blogules

Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts

20200402

Happy New Year 2021 (a bit belated, but there was a shortage of blogules)

Sorry about this coronavirus: it's all my fault.

Since 2008, I used to exorcise each upcoming year by wishing you a happy next year*, but as last December was drawing to an end, for some reason I wasn't in a mood for humor. So I didn't wish you a happy new year 2021, and you got stuck to my crappy "Happy New Year 2020" announcing the calamities to plague 2019...

Well it didn't fail: now we're all trapped in this abominable 2020. And the guy who wrote that one didn't waste time in subtleties: where I try to limit the bad news to one category per month, alternating between politics, economy, or social issues, this maniac drops the full package all the way, the pedal to the metal. You enjoyed March 2020? April will be even worse, thank you very much.

So don't forget to stay at home, and to wash your hands.

But please, don't forget to laugh at least a couple of times every day, and to smile kindly each time you circumnavigate strangers coming your way to respect safety distances - you're not doing that out of fear of others, but out of love for everyone.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish every single one of us a very very very happy new year 2021.

blogules 2020
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

20190101

Happy New Year 2020

It's that time of the year*, and I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2019:

January 2019
During their first week in charge, House Democrats issue a combined 3,320 subpoenas (over 500 each for Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, Jerrold Nadler, Maxine Waters, and Richard Neal) for past and present members of the Trump administration. Meanwhile, Robert Mueller starts investigating GOP lawmakers blackmailed with kompromat by Putin and Trump. Lindsey Graham, Devin Nunes, and other powerful figures abruptly flee for Brazil, where Jair Bolsonaro grants them political asylum.

February 2019
Facing prison charges, Benjamin Netanyahu takes the first plane for Brasilia.

March 2019
No blessing from lawmakers, no referendum, no deal, but no no Brexit either: the UK crashes out of the Union with the only consolation that Theresa May will no longer be in 10 Downing Street (the building being sold to pay part of the EUR 55 bn fine, the PM moves in 221B Baker Street). Boris Johnson parades at the 2019 Rio Carnival on the Monstrosity float:

April 2019
The day Akihito abdicates, Nippon Kaigi and Shinzo Abe have Naruhito, Akishino, and Hisahito murdered to install on the throne an obscure member of the Imperial Family compliant with their lifetime dream to restore fascism. At Japan's top military academy, the new Emperor welcomes his first Head of State with a vibrant homage: 'we do have a lot to learn from people like Jair Bolsonaro'.

May 2019
Vladimir Putin wins the European Elections in every single member state, the Gilets Jaunes Party claiming 41% of the ballot in France, and Marine Le Pen's movement 33%.

June 2019
In North Korea, Mount Paektu explodes, allowing KIM Jong-un to get six more unnoticed nuclear tests before going on a trek along the Amazon river, joined by Bashar al Assad the time for chemical weapons to dissipate across Kurdistan.

July 2019
Metoo: France wins the Women's FIFA World Cup at home just days after five players of the male team get jailed for domestic abuse.

August 2019
Coldest month of August on record: global warming takes a short pause thanks to Korea's nuclear winter.

September 2019
The day Mike Pence is forced to quit by Mueller Probe revelations, Donald Trump is impeached. Nancy Pelosi is sworn in, with Vice President Beto O'Rourke by her side. Jeff Flake declares his candidacy for 2020, then withdraws after being spotted in the same elevator as Brett Kavanaugh.

October 2019
At long last, Vladimir Putin wins the Nobel Peace Prize for restoring eternal peace in Syria.

November 2019
Only the third asset collapse of the year for China, but XI Jinping still believes he can, like the US, pull a fifth one by the end of the year.

December 2019
Carlos Ghosn is re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-arrested. Japan gives up all hope of getting a confession from him, and extradite the Brazilian back home, where Jair The First puts him in charge of the merger of Brazil with Hungary.

blogules 2019
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

20171217

Happy New Year 2019

It's that time of the year, and for the 21st time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2018:

January 2018:
Full mailbox for Donald Trump on the morning of the 20th: 1 letter congratulating him for his first year in office (From Russia With Love, signed by The Former Spy Who Still Loves You), 457 letters of resignation from White House staffers who completed the full year required for their résumés, 3,580 letters of candidacy from child molesters with the required KKK kredentials.

February 2018:
As announced, the US wait until the end of the Pyeongchang Olympics to launch preemptive strikes against North Korea. The new Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, 'apologizes' for not including the Paralympics: 'Our bad, but thanks to us, people with disabilities will have even more airtime'. If all targets are destroyed, they only represented a fraction of Kim Jong-un's arsenal, and Seoul is destroyed minutes after the first strike. By the end of the day, the whole peninsula is flattened. Hundreds of millions of Americans will only learn months later that, in retaliation, they've been poisoned by chemicals spread in their water systems by sleeping cells.

March 2018:

Science: the Russia Probe is successfully sent to Mars by the GOP Congress.

April 2018:
As asset bubbles keep popping, World Leaders convene in Moscow around a freshly reelected Vladimir Putin. Xi, Erdogan, Abe, Duterte, Modi, Trump, and their friends agree to focus on the reforms that should have remained their only priority: undermining their respective democracies.

May 2018:
Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle dressed as a Minion, the mildest set she could find in his collection of Nazi uniforms, Stormtrooper gears, and Britain First Party costumes.

June 2018:
Saudi women are allowed to drive, but only driverless cars that are fully covered with an opaque burqa.

July 2018:
Not a single goal scored during the whole FIFA World Cup in Russia... an unexpected consequence of net neutrality.

August 2018:
From al Qaeda to ISIS to Idiotheocracy: the latest terror franchise to rise from the ashes of the precedent one has further dumbed down the message of fundamentalism to the most basic grunts, facilitating the merger with extremists from other religions. Their propaganda videos soon go viral among hardcore Teletubbies fans.

September 2018:
The POTUS realizes that trying to cast away investigations against him didn't work: Robert Mueller (from Mars), and Trump's victims of sexual harassment (from Venus) manage to revive the threats of impeachment. Looking for new diversions, DJT reveals the plans of the future US Embassy in East Jerusalem, inaugurates statues of the Klan Founders in the Rose Garden, and starts WWIV against Iran.

October 2018:
As soon as Theresa May resigns, the British Pound spikes to 312,788 Bitcoin, that's to say one millionth of a zimbabwean dollar, or the equivalent of half a second of work in North Korean slave wages.

November 2018:
Landslide victory for Mainstream Republicans at the mid-term elections: 'Our top donors kindly rewarded us for the generous tax cuts we offered them', triumphes Mitch McConnell. 'We're also glad that the GOP managed to end in the third position - we need all the votes of the Gropers Offshore Party'. The former Democratic Party also failed to reunite, Progressives finishing a distant second, and the RNC fifth, far behind the Green Party, even after Hillary Clinton raised record funds for her Rhodam National Convention.

December 2018:
And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to... AlphaGo. The World's most powerful A.I. platform solved all conflicts, all famines, and all environmental and refugee crises by removing mankind.

blogules 2017
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

20161220

Happy New Year 2018

It's that time of the year, and for the 18th time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2017:

January 2017:

On the 20th, Vladimir Putin is sworn in as the 45th POTUS.
Donald Trump is swearing in the background.

February 2017:

In the final moments of Superbowl LI in Houston, the Moscow Hackers upset the New York Trumps as Barron Trump fumbles Mike Pence's Hail Mary pass.

March 2017:

Theresa May triggers Article 50, but Brexit backfires, and the UK lands into a limbo known as Breshold.

April 2017:

Galaxy S8 sells like hotcakes, and as hotcake warmers. Meanwhile, Apple celebrates its 100,000th iPhone 7 explosion without a recall, and Huawei posts record sales of its latest stylus, the Frying Pen.

May 2017:

In the French presidential elections, Putin friend Francois Fillon defeats Putin-friendly Marine Le Pen. After so many good news, Vladimir Putin dies of a heart attack.

June 2017:

The 46th President of the United States, Mike Pence, scares Ruth Bader Ginsburg to death before nominating a fundamentalist to replace her.

July 2017:

Vice-President Donald Trump and former Vice-President Dan Quayle form a rock band called 'The Unpresidented Potatoe'.

August 2017:

Usain Bolt is prevented from taking part to the Athletics World Championships in London, and a Luxembourgian wins the 100 meter dash following the publication of JamaicaLeaks, RussiaLeaks, AmericaLeaks, and Breleaks.

September 2017:

Following successful terror/ fake news campaigns fueled by ISIS, Dmitry Medvedev, and Breitbart Deutschland, Angela Merkel loses the German federal elections to Frauke Petry (AfD), who invites Donald Trump to her victory lap in Nuremberg.

October 2017:

At long last, JFK assassination records are disclosed. DJT says he'll release his tax returns in 2070.

November 2017:

A few months into power, the new South Korean president is impeached following the revelation that he was the only leader of a democracy not to be under the influence of Russia.

December 2017:

The Nobel Peace Prize goes to Rodrigo Duterte. Russia denies any involvement in the hacking of the Nobel Committee.

blogules 2016
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

20151228

Happy New Year 2017

It's that time of the year, and for the 16th time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2016:

January 2016:

China devaluates its smog index; the new level for red alerts is now 10,000 PM2.5.

February 2016 :

After losing the Iowa caucus to Ted Cruz, Donald Trump runs as an independent for the Presidency of FIFA.

March 2016:

Three tie for first place at the World Drone Championships, all of them ISIS pilots.

April 2016:

The Great Internet Blackout: Fidel Castro, the Dalai Lama, Robert Mugabe, David Attenborough, Ian McKellen, and Justin Bieber pass away on April 1st, leading to a social network overload.

May 2016:

Hillary finds her voice. To shout at Bill, found in bed with a Fox News intern.

June 2016:

France wins the UEFA Euro 2016, Michel Platini allowed to watch the final from his Guantanamo cell.

July 2016:

China reveals that the easiest way to fulfill its goal of +7% growth in GDP per capita in 2016 is to shrink its population to 650 million people by the end of the year.

August 2016:

Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro: Brazil's sailing teams dissolve in the polluted waters of Guanabara Bay.

September 2016:

The flow of migrants from Syria has officially stopped since Syria officially ceased to exist.

October 2016:

Wall Street collapses: Xiaomi buys Apple, Alibaba the New York Times, and Trump Tiananmen Square.

November 2016:

Michael Bloomberg is elected the 45th President of the United States in a landlordslide.

December 2016:

The Nobel Peace Prize goes to Martin Shkreli for preventing the advent of singularity by making Turing tests unaffordable.

blogules 2015
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

Follow Us

* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013), "Happy New Year 2016" (Dec 2014)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013), "Bonne Année 2016" (Dec 2014), "Bonne année 2017" (Dec 2015).

20141227

Happy New Year 2016

It's that time of the year, and for the 14th time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2015:

January 2015:

First YouTube video to go viral this year: a female polar bear, surfing topless in a bikini, disturbs a beach volley game in Churchill, Manitoba.

February 2015 :

North Korea hacks the movie '50 shades of grey': Kim Jong-un wanted a sneak peek at the plans of the new attraction in Universal Studios' adult section.

March 2015:

A major tsunami completely overwhelms the Cricket World Cup in Australia and New Zealand. The rest of the world will remain totally unaware of the tragedy until the 2016 Australian Tennis Open.

April 2015:

The GOP impeaches Barack Obama for mentioning the possibility of enforcing existing gun control laws after 1,715 kids die in school shootings across the States over the last week of March - a mere 0,2% increase compared to the previous year.

May 2015:

UKIP wins the elections: Scotland leaves the Union, the UK leaves the European Union, David Cameron ends his union with Nick Clegg, the Kingdom's official tabloid becomes The Onion.

June 2015:

ISIS plants its flag in the Vatican, threatens to behead one cardinal every day if Pope Francis doesn't surrender, but before the terrorists make up their minds to select their first victim, all hostages die of old age.

July 2015:

Now officially Chinese, Club Med inaugurates its new resorts in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib.

August 2015:

Shinzo Abe Declaration on August 15th: "I feel deeply sorry that people feel sorry about the lack of apologies from Japan, but I feel even more sorry that our campaign of pacification of Asia during the first half of last century is still perceived as an aggression, and that our heroes who fought to control demographics in occupied nations or to better understand the spread of deadly diseases on human guinea pigs are still considered as war criminals. In order to iron out all misunderstandings in the region, I pledge to destroy all evidence, and to jail for 10 years all whistle blowers."

September 2015:

As soon as King Bhumibol Adulyadej dies, the nation splits in two: his son Vajiralongkorn will rule over Yellow Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra over Red Thailand, and the only passage in the wall separating East from West Bangkok is called Check Point Chili.

October 2015:

Because it was morally impossible to let Japan be the only candidate for the Asian seat at the UN Security Council elections, a last minute rival wins by a landslide. China warmly welcomes the newcomer to the institution's inner circle: "North Korea was a far better choice to bring stability and continuity in the region".

November 2015:

Ebola outbreak in the Kremlin. Officially after Putin kissed, Brezhnev-style, Mugabe on the mouth, unofficially because Vladimir dropped the test tube where he kept the strain he manufactured for Ukraine.

December 2015:

The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Alberto Gonzales, for redrawing the Middle East map on a waterboard.

blogules 2014
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

Follow Us

* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013).

20131222

Happy New Year 2015

It's that time of the year, and for the 12th time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2014:

January 2014 - Following the purge of JANG, KIM Jong-un decides to execute all North Korean citizens who don't share his royal Baekdu bloodline, including his own wife. He remarries his aunt KIM Kyong-hui who, even at 67 and after her recent heart treatment and husbandectomy, manages to give him a second son. KIM The Fourth sports a goitre, a Habsburg Jaw, and the most ridiculous hairdo in the whole dynasty.

February 2014 - As he carries the torch for the final relay at the Sochi Olympics, Vladimir Putin is assassinated by a group of gay Chechnen terrorists, the Dicky Riot. The new President, Dmitry Medvedev, choses Garry Kasparov as his Prime Minister.

March 2014 - Garry Kasparov castles: Vladimir Khodorovsky moves from his tower to the Kremlin, where Medvedev checks his new mate.

April 2014 - The day before the joint canonization of John Paul II and John XXIII, Pope Francis discloses their secret ties to a powerful cult. The Ecuador Embassy grants asylum to the author of Curialeaks, and Francis eventually flies to Russia (Kasparov offered him a job as a bishop).

May 2014 - Only 10% of voters participate in the European Elections. Extreme right parties claim 75% of the ballots, extreme left parties 68%, democracy the remainder.

June 2014 - France sends troops to South Africa to contain the civil war that followed the April elections, and doubles its troops in South Sudan. Francois Hollande will consider the demands from Kenya and Nigeria, but only after deciding the size of France's contingents for Egypt and Morocco.

July 2014 - Neymar thinks he scores the winning goal for Brazil in the 2014 FIFA World Cup Final, but Aleksandr Kokorin claims a hat trick during injury time. Garry Kasparov instantly makes the coach Fabio Capello Knight of the Whistle.

August 2014 - Bashar al Assad kills only 10,000 Lebanese citizens, his lowest score since January. He asks Russia for more weapons, but Kasparov simply sends second hand spare parts from his pawn shop.

September 2014 - Scotland votes in favor of its independence. The Queen takes a diagonal direction to Moscow.

October 2014 - Red Friday, all Chinese bubbles explode at once. To prevent global panic and a collapse of all world economies, Fed chief Janet Yellen designs an alternate way of measuring wealth, Quantumative Easing.

November 2014 - Catalonia votes in favor of its independence, and for the mid-term elections, at long last, the GOP votes in favor of its independence from theocons and tea partiers.

December 2014 - Shinzo Abe sends troops to France to contain an uprising ignited by a strike in a Simmons factory, The Mattress Spring.

blogules 2013
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)

UPDATE: see the French version "Bonne Année 2015"

* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012).