Showing posts with label olympics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label olympics. Show all posts

20171217

Happy New Year 2019

It's that time of the year, and for the 21st time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2018:

January 2018:
Full mailbox for Donald Trump on the morning of the 20th: 1 letter congratulating him for his first year in office (From Russia With Love, signed by The Former Spy Who Still Loves You), 457 letters of resignation from White House staffers who completed the full year required for their résumés, 3,580 letters of candidacy from child molesters with the required KKK kredentials.


February 2018:
As announced, the US wait until the end of the Pyeongchang Olympics to launch preemptive strikes against North Korea. The new Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, 'apologizes' for not including the Paralympics: 'Our bad, but thanks to us, people with disabilities will have even more airtime'. If all targets are destroyed, they only represented a fraction of Kim Jong-un's arsenal, and Seoul is destroyed minutes after the first strike. By the end of the day, the whole peninsula is flattened. Hundreds of millions of Americans will only learn months later that, in retaliation, they've been poisoned by chemicals spread in their water systems by sleeping cells.


March 2018:

Science: the Russia Probe is successfully sent to Mars by the GOP Congress.

April 2018:
As asset bubbles keep popping, World Leaders convene in Moscow around a freshly reelected Vladimir Putin. Xi, Erdogan, Abe, Duterte, Modi, Trump, and their friends agree to focus on the reforms that should have remained their only priority: undermining their respective democracies. 


May 2018:
Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle dressed as a Minion, the mildest set she could find in his collection of Nazi uniforms, Stormtrooper gears, and Britain First Party costumes.


June 2018:
Saudi women are allowed to drive, but only driverless cars that are fully covered with an opaque burqa.

July 2018:
Not a single goal scored during the whole FIFA World Cup in Russia... an unexpected consequence of net neutrality.


August 2018:
From al Qaeda to ISIS to Idiotheocracy: the latest terror franchise to rise from the ashes of the precedent one has further dumbed down the message of fundamentalism to the most basic grunts, facilitating the merger with extremists from other religions. Their propaganda videos soon go viral among hardcore Teletubbies fans.


September 2018:
The POTUS realizes that trying to cast away investigations against him didn't work: Robert Mueller (from Mars), and Trump's victims of sexual harassment (from Venus) manage to revive the threats of impeachment. Looking for new diversions, DJT reveals the plans of the future US Embassy in East Jerusalem, inaugurates statues of the Klan Founders in the Rose Garden, and starts WWIV against Iran.


October 2018:
As soon as Theresa May resigns, the British Pound spikes to 312,788 Bitcoin, that's to say one millionth of a zimbabwean dollar, or the equivalent of half a second of work in North Korean slave wages.


November 2018:
Landslide victory for Mainstream Republicans at the mid-term elections: 'Our top donors kindly rewarded us for the generous tax cuts we offered them', triumphes Mitch McConnell. 'We're also glad that the GOP managed to end in the third position - we need all the votes of the Gropers Offshore Party'. The former Democratic Party also failed to reunite,  Progressives finishing a distant second, and the RNC fifth, far behind the Green Party, even after Hillary Clinton raised record funds for her Rhodam National Convention.


December 2018:
And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to... AlphaGo. The World's most powerful A.I. platform solved all conflicts, all famines, and all environmental and refugee crises by removing mankind.



blogules 2017
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* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013), "Happy New Year 2016" (Dec 2014), "Happy New Year 2017" (Dec 2015), "Happy New Year 2018" (Dec 2016), "Happy New Year 2019" (Dec 2017)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013), "Bonne Année 2016" (Dec 2014), "Bonne année 2017" (Dec 2015), "Bonne année 2018" (Dec 2016), "Bonne année 2019" (Dec 2017).

20151228

Happy New Year 2017

It's that time of the year, and for the 16th time*, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2016:

January 2016: 

China devaluates its smog index; the new level for red alerts is now 10,000 PM2.5.

February 2016 : 

After losing the Iowa caucus to Ted Cruz, Donald Trump runs as an independent for the Presidency of FIFA.

March 2016: 

Three tie for first place at the World Drone Championships
, all of them ISIS pilots.

April 2016: 

The Great Internet Blackout: Fidel Castro, the Dalai Lama, Robert Mugabe, David Attenborough, Ian McKellen, and Justin Bieber pass away on April 1st, leading to a social network overload.

May 2016: 

Hillary finds her voice. To shout at Bill, found in bed with a Fox News intern.

June 2016: 

France wins the UEFA Euro 2016, Michel Platini allowed to watch the final from his Guantanamo cell.

July 2016: 

China reveals that the easiest way to fulfill its goal of +7% growth in GDP per capita in 2016 is to shrink its population to 650 million people by the end of the year.

August 2016: 

Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro: Brazil's sailing teams dissolve in the polluted waters of Guanabara Bay.

September 2016: 

The flow of migrants from Syria has officially stopped since Syria officially ceased to exist.

October 2016: 

Wall Street collapses: Xiaomi buys Apple, Alibaba the New York Times, and Trump Tiananmen Square.

November 2016: 

Michael Bloomberg is elected the 45th President of the United States in a landlordslide.

December 2016: 

The Nobel Peace Prize goes to Martin Shkreli for preventing the advent of singularity by making Turing tests unaffordable.


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Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013), "Happy New Year 2016" (Dec 2014)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013), "Bonne Année 2016" (Dec 2014), "Bonne année 2017" (Dec 2015).

20120802

2012 Mitt Romlympics

Mitt Romney brought back a couple of titles from his overseas tour:
- from London, a Gold Medal in Nosediving followed by a Gold Medal in Backpedalling
- from Israel, a Gold Medal in Bootlicking
- for good measure, his aide added more gold from Poland (Short Range Insult Shooting)

As if the guy needed more gold. You'd expect him to excel in Sailing or Polo, but he's even better at Artistic Gymnastics:
- Floor exercise (undefeated champion, great master of flip-flop and foot-in-mouth)
- High Bar (his income bracket)
- Parallel Bars (with a weakness for the kind that vertically cross a big fat "S")
- Still Rings (after all these years, they never left Mitt's and Ann's fingers - and all other rings are safely kept in the next apparatus)
- Vault (main stashes in Switzerland, Cayman Islands)
- Pommel Horse (Romney's whole universe revolves around the only part of him that never changes and never moves: you could rodeo on his hairdo, not one hair would break ranks)

The only thing missing is a record or two, but the ones from Bain and Salt Lake City have either disapeared or been destroyed, and his tax returns are far from telling the whole story. Furthermore, Romney's main achievements remain tainted, since he openly abused dubious performance-enhancing methods to optimize returns on investment.

Anyway, according to this great expert in Olympinomics, "the most important thing is not winning but taking shares".

blogules 2012
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