Showing posts with label Olaf Scholz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Olaf Scholz. Show all posts

20220228

Exclusive fake interview with Vladimir Putin

Yesterday, I met in person Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin for an exclusive fake interview with my Agence Fausse Presse. We actually chatted over the phone, since we were each seated at one end of a 75-meter-long marble table.


blogules - 'Thank you for having me for breakfast, and not on the menu'.

Vladimir Putin - 'You're welcome. And don't worry, I don't eat people. Ukrainians do. They're genocidal, war-mongering neo-nazi cannibals, kabbalist pedophiles, and they always distort the truth.'

b - 'If I may, you're the blood-thisrty war-monger pushing massive disinformation campaigns and spreading totally outrageous lies about Ukraine. And as far as neo-nazis go, you're the one helping Assad gas his own people, you're the one playing the Hitler playbook with a fallacious story about 'liberating' Ukraine, just like Adolf invaded Poland under the fake pretext that its German minorities suffered from persecution.'

VP - 'Don't push your luck, I may reconsider my vegetarian habits for breakfast... I'm not Hitler. I'm just a Russian leader defending Russian interests. We're the ones who defeated Hitler, remember?'

b - 'Stalin did play a decisive role in defeating Nazi Germany. He was also a ruthless dictator and Imperialist who spread war across the globe and was responsible for millions of Russian deaths.'

VP - 'I'm not Stalin. I'm not a communist.'

b - 'But you never swallowed the fall of the Soviet Union. Like Hitler with 1919, you're obsessed with reversing 1991.'

VP - 'Russia goes beyond regimes. The Tsars passed, the USSR passed, Russia remains.'

b - 'Putism will pass. Heck, it doesn't even exist. Do you consider yourself like one of the Great Tsars, the way Erdogan pretends to be a Great Sultan or Xi Jinping acts like the new Emperor?'

VP - 'I'm not Ivan The Terrible. My business model is more the mob.'

b - 'Exactly. You don't have a system to sustain or to survive you, you're using smokescreens of ideologies, nationalism, religion, or such obsolete symbols as the Cossacks to cement your power and your image, but basically you're just a mob boss.'

VP - 'I'm simply the G.O.A.T. I don't even have lieutenants or deputies. For the power, I have my KGB-FSB circle at home, and thugs like Ramzan Kadyrov or Alexander Lukashenko nearby. For the money, I have oligarchs: I keep them alive, away from jail, and rich, they give me a fat cut on their wealth. Now I'm much richer than Musk, Bezos, and Zuckerberg combined. And these losers only have paper when I have gold, properties, real assets. I don't have shareholders to answer to, and my rockets can have a significantly greater impact than their baby boy toys'

b - 'Your nukes definitely can. When you put the World on high nuclear alert, when you threaten even Sweden and Finland, are you deliberately playing the 'mad man', or have you gone full paranoid, on a Nero-tic path? Even if, one day, you win in Ukraine, aren't you already losing it? I mean where's the charming, fit, acute strategic thinker these days? We can only see a vulgar, puffed up egotist with serious anger management issues. Is it steroids? Are you sick, physically and/or mentally?'

VP - 'You, for sure, are utterly crazy. You must know that disrespectful journalists don't live old here.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a journalist.'

VP - 'Well you know how I treat comedians. Ask Volodymyr Zelensky.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a comedian. And Zelensky is not an actor anymore. Unlike you, he's a genuine patriot.'

VP - 'I'm a patriot. You may not know it yet, but Russia has been renamed Putinia. And Saint Petersburg Putingrad. And no, I'm not stopping at Georgia, Ukraine or Sweden. I must reclaim control of the States and put my thug back on the throne.'

b - 'All you're managing to do is to make the EU and NATO relevant and strong again. Trump failed to destroy NATO for you, and Biden will not let that happen.'

VP - 'Joe Biden is already out. My Republican Party is doing a great job at destroying American democracy from the inside, and my local disinformation machine has never been damaged. As for Europe, I still control it.'

b - 'Are you kidding?'

VP - 'Never with business. Germany? Dope pushers hooked to my fossil fuel. And that Olaf Scholz is such a joke... Like Macron, he just came for his national credentials. Macron is not dumb, he doesn't get confrontational. He knows I didn't want him to win in 2017, he knows how easily I got rid of Juppe and Barnier in the primaries (yeah, this year, I had to make dead people and even a dog vote, but still no sweat), he knows how I can destroy him by putting gullible masses on the street. Yellow Jackets, antivaxxers.... piece of cake. But Macron also knows how to flatter egos. Look how he impressed Trump with the Invalides and that military show. Look how he had me tour Versailles and our new Russian Spiritual and Cultural Center in Paris - by the way the mayor was so easy to corrupt on that one. Did you see how the golden dome of my church outshines the Eiffel Tower along the Seine river? How could you frogs let that happen?'

b - 'I see. Let's not even talk about the UK...'

VP - 'I sent them back to the Jurassic with Brexit, and Boris Johnson is clearly more a Fred Flintstone than a T-rex. We own London, corrupted it to the core, and they won't have the guts to pull the plug. I'm not worried about sanctions anyway. We've got them all already sorted out with Jinping, Narendra, and Ali (that's Khamenei).'

b - 'If you always have your usual partners overseas, you're losing support at home. Old Russians in rural areas may buy your propaganda, but the urban youth knows that you won't be here forever, and more and more people start questioning your mental state...'

VP - 'Bah. I'll probably have to create yet another hostage crisis. You know, like at the Moscow Theater or at that Breslan school. Nothing like it to boost the ratings. Otherwise, I can still lose a few more millions Russians; our demographics are not so good anyways. Yes, they can't be all put to rest with a gallon of vodka, like I did with Boris Yeltsin, but I already got rid of hundreds of thousands during the pandemic. Only 'good citizens' got good vaccines. Why do you think we push antivaxxers, beyond undermining Western democracies? We need to compensate our lousy vaxxes, so if they're 60-70% efficient only, turning 30-40% of your populations into antivaxxers brings you and your economies down to our level.'

b - 'And as for more surgical strikes, who's the next Alexei Navalny on your hit list beyond Zelensky, Vitali Klitschko, and friends?' 

VP - 'Adam Kinzinger. Couldn't find any kompromat on him. I had kilometers of reels for Lindsey Graham, and Mitch McConnell only required wads of cash, but this guy is a disgrace for my new and improved GOP.'

b - 'So what do you have about Trump?'

VP - 'A lot of kompromat, but I don't even need that to manipulate this pathetic loser. Not even all the money we gave him to keep him afloat, or his ties to the Mafia. You know, this crybaby truly dreams of becoming a mob boss too. How cute.'

b - 'I also have questions about human rights and the environment.'

VP - 'I don't have time to answer. Anyway you know where I stand: I don't care about human rights, and I'm a strong believer in climate change.'

b - '?!?'

VP - 'I'm investing in facilities to harvest the methane liberated by the melting permafrost, and accelerating climate change to anschluss all arctic routes. Since all the icecap has already melted, we had to plant our flags on the ocean floor.

b - 'But then, where will you organize the Winter Olympics in 2036?'

VP - 'In Alaska. Ivanka has already agreed to sell it to us during her fourth mandate. Now you must go.'

b - 'Okay. I guess thank you for being as honest as an expert propagandist dictator can be.'

VP - 'You're welcome. And obviously you liked the breakfast. Did you know my granddad cooked for Lenin and Stalin? I saw you ate all the cookies, but could you taste the Novichok?'


blogules 2022
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)
Enjoyed my neuroses? Check my prose: dragedies.com. Bookmark and Share

20211215

Happy New Year 2023

It's that time of the year*, and as usual, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2022:

January 2022
On January 6, the Capitol is stormed again: hundreds of Trump loyalists demand all insurrectionist GOP lawmakers to follow them in jail. Comments from the pack leader, 'QAnon Shaman' Jake Angeli: "I know that for this party the little guys are always supposed to pay for the big guys, but today, we the base say that the time has come for some trickle-up politics".


February 2022
Queen Elizabeth II's Platinum Jubilee draws more viewers than the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics. In parallel to Beijing 2022, a parody Squid Game Season 2022 runs on all major networks to expose the regime's human rights abuses with an all time record of audience for the gold medal final in Blood-curling. "This is an insult to our philanthropic institution", cries Thomas Bach. "We at the Communist Party of China always preferred red to pink".


March 2022
The WHO secretly hopes that with the next variant, Psi, the pandemic will shrink.


April 2022
This time, Vladimir Putin wins the French presidential elections. Not with one of his expected candidates (Le Pen, Zemmour, Melenchon etc), but with some obscure conspiracy theorist youtuber pushing his Yellow Vest / Antivax / Flat Earth platform.


May 2022
Olaf Scholz wins the Eurovision contest: "at last I made the international headlines. Now I've got to convince people that I replaced Angela Merkel".


June 2022
India becomes the most populated nation on Earth. To protest, Xi Jinping blocks all water coming from the Himalaya: "Let's call it a drought".


July 2022
If NASA officially recognizes Donald Trump as an astronaut, the former president keeps fuming: "my quickie in Jeff Bezos' elevator went BAD. I invited a few playmates to have some fun in total weightlessness, but that golden shower was a TOTAL MESS!"


August 2022
Climate change refugees flock from Florida. Says one: "just when we refurbished our 16-bedroom villa by the sea, we lost the Keys..."


September 2022
To celebrate the bicentennial of Brazil's independence, the people ejects Jair Bolsonaro from power. "We would have beheaded him, if only he had a head to begin with".

 

October 2022
In one day, all financial markets plummet by 50%, all cryptocurrencies by 95%. No billionaire is seriously hurt.

 

November 2022
GQP wins the Midterm Elections by a landslide with 40% of the vote. Qatar wins its soccer World Cup without losing a game, its striker Jerry Mander finishing best scorer.

 

December 2022
The Nobel Peace Prize goes to 3 recipients:
- Vladimir Putin for ending the Russia-Ukraine conflict by anschlussing Ukraine
- the Talibans for ending the gender war by suppressing all non male genders
- Boris Johnson for ending the year with the mother of all covid parties

Seriously, I do wish everyone of us a very, very, very happy new year 2022.

 
blogules 2021
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)
Enjoyed my neuroses? Check my prose: dragedies.com. Bookmark and Share

* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013), "Happy New Year 2016" (Dec 2014), "Happy New Year 2017" (Dec 2015), "Happy New Year 2018" (Dec 2016), "Happy New Year 2019" (Dec 2017), "Happy New Year 2020" (Jan 2019), "Happy New Year 2021" (Apr 2020), "Happy New Year 2022" (Dec 2020), "Happy New Year 2023" (Dec 2021)... et en Francais: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013), "Bonne Année 2016" (Dec 2014), "Bonne année 2017" (Dec 2015), "Bonne Année 2018" (Dec 2016), "Bonne année 2019" (Dec 2017), "Bonne année 2020" (Jan 2019), "Bonne année 2021" (Avr 2020), "Bonne année 2022" (Dec 2020), "Bonne année 2023" (Dec 2021).

Copyright Stephane MOT 2003-2025 Welcome to my personal portal : blogules - blogules (VF) - mot-bile - footlog - Seoul Village - footlog archives - blogules archives - blogules archives (VF) - dragedies - Little Shop of Errors - Citizen Came -La Ligue des Oublies - Stephanemot.com (old) - Stephanemot.com - Warning : Weapons of Mass Disinformation - Copyright Stephane MOT