Exclusive fake interview with Vladimir Putin

Yesterday, I met in person Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin for an exclusive fake interview with my Agence Fausse Presse. We actually chatted over the phone, since we were each seated at one end of a 75-meter-long marble table.

blogules - 'Thank you for having me for breakfast, and not on the menu'.

Vladimir Putin - 'You're welcome. And don't worry, I don't eat people. Ukrainians do. They're genocidal, war-mongering neo-nazi cannibals, kabbalist pedophiles, and they always distort the truth.'

b - 'If I may, you're the blood-thisrty war-monger pushing massive disinformation campaigns and spreading totally outrageous lies about Ukraine. And as far as neo-nazis go, you're the one helping Assad gas his own people, you're the one playing the Hitler playbook with a fallacious story about 'liberating' Ukraine, just like Adolf invaded Poland under the fake pretext that its German minorities suffered from persecution.'

VP - 'Don't push your luck, I may reconsider my vegetarian habits for breakfast... I'm not Hitler. I'm just a Russian leader defending Russian interests. We're the ones who defeated Hitler, remember?'

b - 'Stalin did play a decisive role in defeating Nazi Germany. He was also a ruthless dictator and Imperialist who spread war across the globe and was responsible for millions of Russian deaths.'

VP - 'I'm not Stalin. I'm not a communist.'

b - 'But you never swallowed the fall of the Soviet Union. Like Hitler with 1919, you're obsessed with reversing 1991.'

VP - 'Russia goes beyond regimes. The Tsars passed, the USSR passed, Russia remains.'

b - 'Putism will pass. Heck, it doesn't even exist. Do you consider yourself like one of the Great Tsars, the way Erdogan pretends to be a Great Sultan or Xi Jinping acts like the new Emperor?'

VP - 'I'm not Ivan The Terrible. My business model is more the mob.'

b - 'Exactly. You don't have a system to sustain or to survive you, you're using smokescreens of ideologies, nationalism, religion, or such obsolete symbols as the Cossacks to cement your power and your image, but basically you're just a mob boss.'

VP - 'I'm simply the G.O.A.T. I don't even have lieutenants or deputies. For the power, I have my KGB-FSB circle at home, and thugs like Ramzan Kadyrov or Alexander Lukashenko nearby. For the money, I have oligarchs: I keep them alive, away from jail, and rich, they give me a fat cut on their wealth. Now I'm much richer than Musk, Bezos, and Zuckerberg combined. And these losers only have paper when I have gold, properties, real assets. I don't have shareholders to answer to, and my rockets can have a significantly greater impact than their baby boy toys'

b - 'Your nukes definitely can. When you put the World on high nuclear alert, when you threaten even Sweden and Finland, are you deliberately playing the 'mad man', or have you gone full paranoid, on a Nero-tic path? Even if, one day, you win in Ukraine, aren't you already losing it? I mean where's the charming, fit, acute strategic thinker these days? We can only see a vulgar, puffed up egotist with serious anger management issues. Is it steroids? Are you sick, physically and/or mentally?'

VP - 'You, for sure, are utterly crazy. You must know that disrespectful journalists don't live old here.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a journalist.'

VP - 'Well you know how I treat comedians. Ask Volodymyr Zelensky.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a comedian. And Zelensky is not an actor anymore. Unlike you, he's a genuine patriot.'

VP - 'I'm a patriot. You may not know it yet, but Russia has been renamed Putinia. And Saint Petersburg Putingrad. And no, I'm not stopping at Georgia, Ukraine or Sweden. I must reclaim control of the States and put my thug back on the throne.'

b - 'All you're managing to do is to make the EU and NATO relevant and strong again. Trump failed to destroy NATO for you, and Biden will not let that happen.'

VP - 'Joe Biden is already out. My Republican Party is doing a great job at destroying American democracy from the inside, and my local disinformation machine has never been damaged. As for Europe, I still control it.'

b - 'Are you kidding?'

VP - 'Never with business. Germany? Dope pushers hooked to my fossil fuel. And that Olaf Scholz is such a joke... Like Macron, he just came for his national credentials. Macron is not dumb, he doesn't get confrontational. He knows I didn't want him to win in 2017, he knows how easily I got rid of Juppe and Barnier in the primaries (yeah, this year, I had to make dead people and even a dog vote, but still no sweat), he knows how I can destroy him by putting gullible masses on the street. Yellow Jackets, antivaxxers.... piece of cake. But Macron also knows how to flatter egos. Look how he impressed Trump with the Invalides and that military show. Look how he had me tour Versailles and our new Russian Spiritual and Cultural Center in Paris - by the way the mayor was so easy to corrupt on that one. Did you see how the golden dome of my church outshines the Eiffel Tower along the Seine river? How could you frogs let that happen?'

b - 'I see. Let's not even talk about the UK...'

VP - 'I sent them back to the Jurassic with Brexit, and Boris Johnson is clearly more a Fred Flintstone than a T-rex. We own London, corrupted it to the core, and they won't have the guts to pull the plug. I'm not worried about sanctions anyway. We've got them all already sorted out with Jinping, Narendra, and Ali (that's Khamenei).'

b - 'If you always have your usual partners overseas, you're losing support at home. Old Russians in rural areas may buy your propaganda, but the urban youth knows that you won't be here forever, and more and more people start questioning your mental state...'

VP - 'Bah. I'll probably have to create yet another hostage crisis. You know, like at the Moscow Theater or at that Breslan school. Nothing like it to boost the ratings. Otherwise, I can still lose a few more millions Russians; our demographics are not so good anyways. Yes, they can't be all put to rest with a gallon of vodka, like I did with Boris Yeltsin, but I already got rid of hundreds of thousands during the pandemic. Only 'good citizens' got good vaccines. Why do you think we push antivaxxers, beyond undermining Western democracies? We need to compensate our lousy vaxxes, so if they're 60-70% efficient only, turning 30-40% of your populations into antivaxxers brings you and your economies down to our level.'

b - 'And as for more surgical strikes, who's the next Alexei Navalny on your hit list beyond Zelensky, Vitali Klitschko, and friends?' 

VP - 'Adam Kinzinger. Couldn't find any kompromat on him. I had kilometers of reels for Lindsey Graham, and Mitch McConnell only required wads of cash, but this guy is a disgrace for my new and improved GOP.'

b - 'So what do you have about Trump?'

VP - 'A lot of kompromat, but I don't even need that to manipulate this pathetic loser. Not even all the money we gave him to keep him afloat, or his ties to the Mafia. You know, this crybaby truly dreams of becoming a mob boss too. How cute.'

b - 'I also have questions about human rights and the environment.'

VP - 'I don't have time to answer. Anyway you know where I stand: I don't care about human rights, and I'm a strong believer in climate change.'

b - '?!?'

VP - 'I'm investing in facilities to harvest the methane liberated by the melting permafrost, and accelerating climate change to anschluss all arctic routes. Since all the icecap has already melted, we had to plant our flags on the ocean floor.

b - 'But then, where will you organize the Winter Olympics in 2036?'

VP - 'In Alaska. Ivanka has already agreed to sell it to us during her fourth mandate. Now you must go.'

b - 'Okay. I guess thank you for being as honest as an expert propagandist dictator can be.'

VP - 'You're welcome. And obviously you liked the breakfast. Did you know my granddad cooked for Lenin and Stalin? I saw you ate all the cookies, but could you taste the Novichok?'

blogules 2022
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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Breivik cannot escape justice

If Anders Behring Breivik cannot face justice because he is a psychotic, then the International Criminal Court should empty its cells: people like Radovan Karadzic couldn't be judged, and Adolf Hitler may have ended his days in a mental institution.

As I wrote earlier (see "To all Anders Behring Breivik wannabes"), "Anders Behring Breivik is not insane, granted - even if his lawyer is unsurprisingly walking that perennial defense line. But Anders Behring Breivik is a dangerous psychopath, and he must face justice".

Justice means a trial, which will not only expose Breivik's deranged mind, but also the dangerous theories he subscribed to, theories that also need to be condemned. If Breivik is more fit for a mental institution than for prison, and if he's not even fit to attend his own trial, it doesn't mean the trial cannot happen.

Norway cannot afford a judicial failure following a political one (many lives could have been saved, had the Home Guard's HV-016 elite unit not been disbanded one year earlier).


Breivik may have acted alone,

blogules 2011

Iran : who wants war and why

Some influent people want Iran at war with Israel at any cost, whatever the motive, ideally before the end of this year but anyway before the end of George W. Bush's mandate.

Don't look for rational explanations for this war.

Just like with Iraq, this war has nothing to do with WMDs, nor with removing a despot and spreading democracy. And just like with Iraq, this even isn't about oil.

No wonder we see exactly the same pattern : Cheney preparing false flag scenarios, Weapons of Mass Disinformation brainwashing US minds to turn Iran into the Evil Kingdom, hawks forging "proofs" including illegal smuggling of nuclear designs while the intelligence community tells the opposite, the local leader dubbed "the new Hitler", a clear and immediate danger of nuclear attack denied by the international agency in charge of the inspections... and of course the same warnings by experts : be careful, such a war would be a terrible mistake for the Iranian people, for the future of democracy in the region, for the international fight on terror, and to the contrary a perfect boost for the enemies of democracy.

Because this war is about religion. Or kind of. And the people most eager to ignite it are fundamentalists : Islamist fundamentalists who believe in the return of the Mahdi, Christian fundamentalists who believe in the second coming of the Christ. According to their crazy prophecies, Israel must face Iran in a final war that will lead to these joyful events and the rule of God himself*. Never mind the fact that the bulk of the World's population gets erased from the map in the process.

So here we are, John and Jane Smith, sitting on a sofa and watching madhatters pretending to take care of the countries that put them in charge : Ahmadinejad praying the same prayer as George W. Bush, both wanting the same bloodbath for similar reasons.

Here are John and Jane Smith, complaining about the way Bush deals with Iraq and ready to follow him in another crusade, even crazier and more suicidal.

Here are John and Jane Smith, horrified by a President having an affair with an intern but not at all alarmed by a President ready to cause a human tragedy thousands of times more catastrophic than the war in Iraq.

Here are John and Jane Smith, with the only weapon able to stop this mess : impeachment.

Will John and Jane Smith be found guilty for not doing anything ?

* see : "Jesus vs Mahdi prophecy"

Red blogule to die hard habits - blood on your face, big disgrace

At last, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger joined the club of the really tough guys : instead of injecting steroïds in his own body, he had something more directly lethal injected in the body of Stanley "Tookie" Williams. Driving a Hummer wasn't enough for a Prez candidate, especially one pushing a rather environmentaly ambitious agenda ; hardliners prefer Gubernator when he's praising Adolf Hitler or when he's actually killing some punk (even without using his NRA right to shoot). Am I my brother's keeper ? Am I my Beta Kappa ? You are a beta beta now, Arnie ; welkome to the Fraternity.
At last, Saudi Arabians are diversifying their economy : instead of leading the world in oil production, they're going for a much more noble output : fertilizers. Smart move : at least, next generations will still find some stinking stuff when they dig their deserts.