Exclusive fake interview with Vladimir Putin

Yesterday, I met in person Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin for an exclusive fake interview with my Agence Fausse Presse. We actually chatted over the phone, since we were each seated at one end of a 75-meter-long marble table.

blogules - 'Thank you for having me for breakfast, and not on the menu'.

Vladimir Putin - 'You're welcome. And don't worry, I don't eat people. Ukrainians do. They're genocidal, war-mongering neo-nazi cannibals, kabbalist pedophiles, and they always distort the truth.'

b - 'If I may, you're the blood-thisrty war-monger pushing massive disinformation campaigns and spreading totally outrageous lies about Ukraine. And as far as neo-nazis go, you're the one helping Assad gas his own people, you're the one playing the Hitler playbook with a fallacious story about 'liberating' Ukraine, just like Adolf invaded Poland under the fake pretext that its German minorities suffered from persecution.'

VP - 'Don't push your luck, I may reconsider my vegetarian habits for breakfast... I'm not Hitler. I'm just a Russian leader defending Russian interests. We're the ones who defeated Hitler, remember?'

b - 'Stalin did play a decisive role in defeating Nazi Germany. He was also a ruthless dictator and Imperialist who spread war across the globe and was responsible for millions of Russian deaths.'

VP - 'I'm not Stalin. I'm not a communist.'

b - 'But you never swallowed the fall of the Soviet Union. Like Hitler with 1919, you're obsessed with reversing 1991.'

VP - 'Russia goes beyond regimes. The Tsars passed, the USSR passed, Russia remains.'

b - 'Putism will pass. Heck, it doesn't even exist. Do you consider yourself like one of the Great Tsars, the way Erdogan pretends to be a Great Sultan or Xi Jinping acts like the new Emperor?'

VP - 'I'm not Ivan The Terrible. My business model is more the mob.'

b - 'Exactly. You don't have a system to sustain or to survive you, you're using smokescreens of ideologies, nationalism, religion, or such obsolete symbols as the Cossacks to cement your power and your image, but basically you're just a mob boss.'

VP - 'I'm simply the G.O.A.T. I don't even have lieutenants or deputies. For the power, I have my KGB-FSB circle at home, and thugs like Ramzan Kadyrov or Alexander Lukashenko nearby. For the money, I have oligarchs: I keep them alive, away from jail, and rich, they give me a fat cut on their wealth. Now I'm much richer than Musk, Bezos, and Zuckerberg combined. And these losers only have paper when I have gold, properties, real assets. I don't have shareholders to answer to, and my rockets can have a significantly greater impact than their baby boy toys'

b - 'Your nukes definitely can. When you put the World on high nuclear alert, when you threaten even Sweden and Finland, are you deliberately playing the 'mad man', or have you gone full paranoid, on a Nero-tic path? Even if, one day, you win in Ukraine, aren't you already losing it? I mean where's the charming, fit, acute strategic thinker these days? We can only see a vulgar, puffed up egotist with serious anger management issues. Is it steroids? Are you sick, physically and/or mentally?'

VP - 'You, for sure, are utterly crazy. You must know that disrespectful journalists don't live old here.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a journalist.'

VP - 'Well you know how I treat comedians. Ask Volodymyr Zelensky.'

b - 'I never pretended to be a comedian. And Zelensky is not an actor anymore. Unlike you, he's a genuine patriot.'

VP - 'I'm a patriot. You may not know it yet, but Russia has been renamed Putinia. And Saint Petersburg Putingrad. And no, I'm not stopping at Georgia, Ukraine or Sweden. I must reclaim control of the States and put my thug back on the throne.'

b - 'All you're managing to do is to make the EU and NATO relevant and strong again. Trump failed to destroy NATO for you, and Biden will not let that happen.'

VP - 'Joe Biden is already out. My Republican Party is doing a great job at destroying American democracy from the inside, and my local disinformation machine has never been damaged. As for Europe, I still control it.'

b - 'Are you kidding?'

VP - 'Never with business. Germany? Dope pushers hooked to my fossil fuel. And that Olaf Scholz is such a joke... Like Macron, he just came for his national credentials. Macron is not dumb, he doesn't get confrontational. He knows I didn't want him to win in 2017, he knows how easily I got rid of Juppe and Barnier in the primaries (yeah, this year, I had to make dead people and even a dog vote, but still no sweat), he knows how I can destroy him by putting gullible masses on the street. Yellow Jackets, antivaxxers.... piece of cake. But Macron also knows how to flatter egos. Look how he impressed Trump with the Invalides and that military show. Look how he had me tour Versailles and our new Russian Spiritual and Cultural Center in Paris - by the way the mayor was so easy to corrupt on that one. Did you see how the golden dome of my church outshines the Eiffel Tower along the Seine river? How could you frogs let that happen?'

b - 'I see. Let's not even talk about the UK...'

VP - 'I sent them back to the Jurassic with Brexit, and Boris Johnson is clearly more a Fred Flintstone than a T-rex. We own London, corrupted it to the core, and they won't have the guts to pull the plug. I'm not worried about sanctions anyway. We've got them all already sorted out with Jinping, Narendra, and Ali (that's Khamenei).'

b - 'If you always have your usual partners overseas, you're losing support at home. Old Russians in rural areas may buy your propaganda, but the urban youth knows that you won't be here forever, and more and more people start questioning your mental state...'

VP - 'Bah. I'll probably have to create yet another hostage crisis. You know, like at the Moscow Theater or at that Breslan school. Nothing like it to boost the ratings. Otherwise, I can still lose a few more millions Russians; our demographics are not so good anyways. Yes, they can't be all put to rest with a gallon of vodka, like I did with Boris Yeltsin, but I already got rid of hundreds of thousands during the pandemic. Only 'good citizens' got good vaccines. Why do you think we push antivaxxers, beyond undermining Western democracies? We need to compensate our lousy vaxxes, so if they're 60-70% efficient only, turning 30-40% of your populations into antivaxxers brings you and your economies down to our level.'

b - 'And as for more surgical strikes, who's the next Alexei Navalny on your hit list beyond Zelensky, Vitali Klitschko, and friends?' 

VP - 'Adam Kinzinger. Couldn't find any kompromat on him. I had kilometers of reels for Lindsey Graham, and Mitch McConnell only required wads of cash, but this guy is a disgrace for my new and improved GOP.'

b - 'So what do you have about Trump?'

VP - 'A lot of kompromat, but I don't even need that to manipulate this pathetic loser. Not even all the money we gave him to keep him afloat, or his ties to the Mafia. You know, this crybaby truly dreams of becoming a mob boss too. How cute.'

b - 'I also have questions about human rights and the environment.'

VP - 'I don't have time to answer. Anyway you know where I stand: I don't care about human rights, and I'm a strong believer in climate change.'

b - '?!?'

VP - 'I'm investing in facilities to harvest the methane liberated by the melting permafrost, and accelerating climate change to anschluss all arctic routes. Since all the icecap has already melted, we had to plant our flags on the ocean floor.

b - 'But then, where will you organize the Winter Olympics in 2036?'

VP - 'In Alaska. Ivanka has already agreed to sell it to us during her fourth mandate. Now you must go.'

b - 'Okay. I guess thank you for being as honest as an expert propagandist dictator can be.'

VP - 'You're welcome. And obviously you liked the breakfast. Did you know my granddad cooked for Lenin and Stalin? I saw you ate all the cookies, but could you taste the Novichok?'

blogules 2022
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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Obstruction

The man in charge of the White House has yet to concede: yesterday, Vladimir Putin said that he would not recognize Joe Biden's victory until the Republican Party does. 

Of course, Republicans are too coward to state the obvious, and to acknowledge the elephant in the room (not a genuine elephant, purists would argue). Why would they do it now? They've let him cross every red line over the past four years, and they even managed not to remove him when the Constitution forced them to, by following the most obscene pseudo legal reasoning ever. Because of their lack of courage, over a quarter of a million US lives were lost. 

Will they move before December 14 and the electoral college vote? Before January 5 and the Georgia runoff elections? Before January 20 and Biden's inauguration? Before 2024 and Emperor Trump's Third Term?

Republicans are scared of a man who set a new record of votes for an incumbent POTUS (almost 74 millions so far). Even if he's been trounced fair and squared by a ticket that claimed 6M more votes, and an electoral college landslide. Even if they themselves fared much better than Donald Trump during these elections.

America has chosen Joe Biden and Kamala Harris to pivot from extremism and chaos to the center and order. Republican lawmakers have chosen to go down in History with a tandem of Obstructors in Chief that don't care one second about decency or their own legacy. Enough obstruction of justice, enough obstruction of democracy, enough obstruction of health, enough obstruction of truth. Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell must go.

blogules 2020
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!! and Twitter (@stephanemot, @blogules)
Enjoyed my neuroses? Check my prose: dragedies.com.

Palestinian Statehood and the DSK Jurisprudence

Last Sunday, Benjamin Netanyahu seemed confident no vote on Palestinian statehood would happen at the UN this week, and it looks like 2012 candidate Barack Obama is dutifully making sure both the American and Israeli governments are spared the humiliation of a recognition by the international community followed by a veto from a supposed promoter of Palestine's emergence as a state.

Mahmoud Abbas was right to push his luck in the wake of the Arab Spring. No dialog being possible between the two radical factions ruling over Gaza and Tel Aviv, moderates had to remind the public opinion of the need to stop an unacceptable injustice.

But these days, there's no justice to be seen in New York. The Dominique Strauss-Kahn jurisprudence ruled that a rape victim has no right to be considered by justice unless she's the Virgin Mary*, and that's exactly what's happening to Palestine.

It could be worse : if UN headquarters were in Georgia, Mahmoud Abbas could be sharing the fate of Troy Davis.

blogules 2011

* see "DSK is not 'not guilty' : US Justice's standards are poor"

October 29 Surprise ?

I just received Joe Biden's robomail for Barack's 10/29 special :

"Next Wednesday, October 29th, is a perfect night for supporters like you to
host a party in your home. Barack will appear on TV at 8:00 p.m. Eastern for 30
minutes. He'll share a positive message with Americans and discuss his plans for
healthcare reform, economic recovery, and a responsible end to the war in Iraq."

And I thought to myself hold on a minute. I'm John McCain, I don't have a dime to spare and my opponent is trusting prime time TV. My only way out is to have something else making the headlines that day. My new pal Dubya happens to be at a position where strings can be pulled...

If something really huge must hit the fan before November 4 (e.g. China invades North Korea), I'm ready to bet a buck on that very date.

---
addendum 20081027 (see cartoon)

Dubya eventually picked Syria to deliver the October Surprise McCain needed (red flag provoquing an artificial tension). Smart move : putting economy behind security is one thing, but boosting AIPAC vs JStreet may keep FL red.

Debate # 2 : XXIst Century wins

In a dull re-run of the previous debate*, McCain lost one of his last chances of changing the dynamics of his erratic campaign.

Even on his own turf (Town Hall format), and even with the help of Tom Brokaw (the ultimate loser tonight : he didn't even prevent the Senator of Arizona from reaching across the aisle and shaking hands with a member of the audience), McCain lost.

Condemned to control himself in front of the camera (which did catch some angry moments in the background, though**), stuck to XXth century role models (clumsily courting Reagan fans), and XXth century solutions that are not solutions (like Tina Fey's Palin plegdes to "fix it" in every sentence, he keeps saying "I know how to" without actually telling how), McCain lost.

Claiming a "vision of the future" but exposing a vision of the past while the next President set the pace for the next century, McCain lost.

Referring to other people's ideas while the next President articulated views that resonated in everybody's minds, McCain lost.

Moreover, Barack Obama won. Against the XXth century's last presidential candidate, he smacked grand slam homeruns on economy and health care, but he also claimed Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan (leaving only "tiny" Georgia to Sakash's pal)***. 

Tonight, many Americans must feel even more comfortable with such a Commander in Chief.

McCain ? His "vision of the future" doesn't point to the White House. If he truly wants to save the country, he must first win the McCainistan war and second lose the November elections.

* see "Debate # 1 : McCain didn't lose, and President Obama spared him" 

** watch him grab his chair in the background while Obama's speaking. The chair didn't break and that's the only difference with Amy Poehler / Hillary during Fey's first SNL stunt.

*** in the process, great admissions on "I don't understand" (... why invade Iraq instead of fighting terrorists where they actually were) or "Government intrusion" (... to crack down big corporation abuses) - funny : we didn't even hear once the word "maverick" tonight...

Is Iceland really melting ?

Strange. 

The first ally Iceland turns to turns to be Russia.

Not Europe, not the IMF. Russia. Without any warming.

Medvedev-Putin happily oblige.

Maybe Iceland's financial system is melting. But Russia seems to be building a stronger front around the North Pole. 

Keep your eye on the ball, Europe. Not Georgia, not Ukraine. The ball at the top of the Kremlin.

Red blogules to Empire Strokes (Back to Back)

On one side, 440 m² and 768 inhabitants experts in holy sacraments (but don't expect a single birth nor a wedding there). On the other, 1,950 m² and 33,084 inhabitants experts in tax evasion (here again, a pensioners' heaven) : the World's two smallest countries lost their rulers.
Something to worry about for the next on the list : Gibraltar (7 km²), Tokelau (10 km²) and Nauru (21 km²). Liechtenstein has plenty of time ahead (14 th on the list with its huge 160 km², the Isle of Man is safe with its impressive 572 km² territory (42 nd spot), and "43" can have as many pretzels as he wishes thanks to his 9,629,047 km² domain (rank : 230 th). But the mother Russia of them all (16,894,741 km²) gives Putin quasi-eternity. "The Pope ! How many divisions ?" asked his role model Joe. The answer : about 4 million people flooding Roma and 1,3 billion supporters across the globe. How many will turn out for Vlad's farewell party ?
Let's not be too unkind to Putin : Russia does have quite a few divisions to exhibit. Ask him about Ukraine, Georgia, Kyrgyzstan or even Chechnya.