Attack of the GOP First Lady Wannabe clones

Ann Romney, Callista Gingrich, Cindy McCain, Sarah McCain, Condoleeza Bush... and I spared you Elizabeth Dole.

blogules 2012
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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Total Un-Recall: RNC 2012 In Denial, Welcome to Tampa, FL (Fantasy Land)

Welcome to Tampa, FL (Fantasy Land), where the GOP is holding its 2012 Republican National Convention: an impressive gathering of the Haves, the Have Mores, and the I Vote Romneys, and basically a huge marketing event aimed at selling a soap too slippery to be held correctly, and too foamy to wash anything correctly (except maybe via money laundering in the Cayman Islands).

But Mitt Romney only made a quick apparition for Day 1 bis* of the RNC: at the end of the speech of his wife Ann, a truly remarkable person who managed to tweet while she was on stage and inspiring me the following series:

• - Yes, Ann Romney can become the first lady. Of Puerto Rico. Or rather the Cayman Islands
• - Oh my. Ann Sarah Romney forgot to wink.
• - Ann Romney pours too much tons of fake empathy to sound sincere. Her "I LOVE YOU WOMEN" is embarrassingly condescending
• - Ann Romney's "I love you women" mirrors her husband's campaign: 100% marketing 0% sincerity
• - Hey Ann Romney, I'm smart enough to know Mitt's solutions are dumb enough: they put the US in this mess, remember?
• - Yes, Ann Romney. Mitt Romney makes me laugh too. As long as he's not in the White House, that is.
• - Attack of the GOP first lady wannabe clones. Can't tell Ann Romney from Mrs McCain, Santorum, Gingrich...
• - Ann Romney truly is exceptional: she was tweeting during her speech. As if fake compassion wasn't enough...
• - Ann Romney: "he's too Mitt to fail". Selfpersuasion is not a solution.

Of course Ann Romney didn't write that tweet, and of course she didn't write that speech. Everything in this show is fake. It's all about storytelling, with actors playing roles on stage. Ann's job was to sell Romney Soap Bars to average housewives, members of the fabled "99 percent" she read about in a Forbes Magazine Mitt left behind in the john. A distant ethnic group she romneyshly courted by a very direct and unsubtle marketing gimmick: "I love you Women!". Mia Love definitely did a better job at ticking demographic segments off Mitt's endless list.

And Romney received a ton of support in the late hours of Day 1 bis: Chris Christie. The heavyweight spoke of a Second American Century (probably Before Christie), and a fantasy land where the other party would be divided and divisive, misleading and misled. Unfortunately, the Governor of New Jersey, by portraying the ideal POTUS-VP tandem, exposed how far the Romney-Ryan ticket was from that dream. And pointing out the fact that Mitt Romney didn't even consider him for the job was the final straw: with such powerful paws, a pat on the shoulder has the same effect as a stab in the back.

Theme of the day? "We Built It". The military failures, the deficits, the economic collapse, that's us. You miss Bush-Cheney? Vote Romney-Ryan. Yes we can build it again. Relapse you can believe in.

At the RNC, divided, we never fail to make you laugh. I can't wait for Day 3 of this farce.


blogules 2012
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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* Day 1 was cancelled because of Hurricane Isaac - Hurricane Ron Paul rocked the ground on Day 0 but the GOP managed to ban it from its show

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20120830 UPDATE: tweets about AR

2012 Mitt Romlympics

Mitt Romney brought back a couple of titles from his overseas tour:
- from London, a Gold Medal in Nosediving followed by a Gold Medal in Backpedalling
- from Israel, a Gold Medal in Bootlicking
- for good measure, his aide added more gold from Poland (Short Range Insult Shooting)

As if the guy needed more gold. You'd expect him to excel in Sailing or Polo, but he's even better at Artistic Gymnastics:
- Floor exercise (undefeated champion, great master of flip-flop and foot-in-mouth)
- High Bar (his income bracket)
- Parallel Bars (with a weakness for the kind that vertically cross a big fat "S") - Still Rings (after all these years, they never left Mitt's and Ann's fingers - and all other rings are safely kept in the next apparatus)
- Vault (main stashes in Switzerland, Cayman Islands)
- Pommel Horse (Romney's whole universe revolves around the only part of him that never changes and never moves: you could rodeo on his hairdo, not one hair would break ranks)

The only thing missing is a record or two, but the ones from Bain and Salt Lake City have either disapeared or been destroyed, and his tax returns are far from telling the whole story. Furthermore, Romney's main achievements remain tainted, since he openly abused dubious performance-enhancing methods to optimize returns on investment.

Anyway, according to this great expert in Olympinomics, "the most important thing is not winning but taking shares".

blogules 2012
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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I, RomnBot (Meet Mitt)

Another exclusive interview from our Agence Fausse Presse: former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney.

Blogules: "Thank you for having us today, Governor. Wow. What a great smile."

Mitt Romney: "You know, I'm 65, but I look 55, and soon I'll be 45. The 45th POTUS, that is. I found out the best way of keeping fit was to spend time and money."

-"As long as it's just my time and your money, I can join you for a little while... Did you expect the primaries to last that long?"

-"First, they're far from over: Rick has left the race, but Newt and Ron will keep piling up as many delegates as they can until the Convention, and even as we speak, voters are casting ballots for Herman Cain. Second, from the start, these primaries were meant to last, and the Republican Party optimized the process to make the show as entertaining as Obama-Clinton '08."

-"It sure has been entertaining, but instead of building momentum around the best Presidential candidates, your show is exposing on prime time a bunch of morons struggling for the survival of the most unfit for the job."

-"Precisely. It was meant as a clear religious statement."

-"Uh. I said 'morons', not 'mormons'."

-"I know you said that. I was referring to the "survival of the most unfit" part: we're finally proving Darwin wrong. Actually, our primary process is so smart it should be considered a perfect example of intelligent design."

-"I see you're already shamelessly hustling up creationists... But you do believe in the survival of the fittest, don't you? You, ever the good capitalist..."

-"Yeah, yeah, Romney's the name, money the game. But it's not a matter of fitness. Only a question of timing. Of understanding the music of money."

-"And what kind of music would that be?"

-"I don't give a grand. What matters is the timing, the moment when the music stops, just like when you play musical chairs. The aim of the game is to pass the buck before that moment, to get rid of all the junk, to collect the $200 M, to build a hotel in the Caymans, and never, ever, to go to jail. That's where all the Mormons go."

-"The morons. Morons belong to prisons. You said 'Mormons'."

-"I know I said that. Morons go to jail, but we Mormons do have a thing for the Cayman Islands. Salt Lake City is so far from everywhere anyway, and it's so quick with our private jets. Since we have three Beechcraft‎s, four Cessnas, two UTCs, five Lockheed Martins, and a couple of Boeings, I don't need to pass by home after work to pick up Ann and the kids. Each one brings their own set of Vuitton trunks, and I take care of the dog. Strapped to the roof, as usual."

-"To the roof of the jet as well?!?"

-"Seamus always relieves himself during takeoff. I never even considered bringing him in."

-"May I ask something: have you ever considered trying to be likeable?"

-"Look. I'm trying to be electable, and that's already something difficult for me. Not running risks, maintaining Chinese walls, keeping emotions out of the scope, milking the cow... That's the way I like it."

-"Indeed, you never quite left the BCG... And by the way, you must be toying with matrices and consulting a lot for the future Veep. Any hint regarding your running mate?"

-"The vetting has started, yes."

-"Let me guess... You need someone to compensate your weak points: a Republican identified as such by all sub-currents of your nuthouse, preferably an icon for fundies and Tea Partiers, a woman, with charisma, some sense of humor, an aversion for boredom, and an open bar at Fox News. But I don't see Sarah Palin don a white shirt and a black necktie to promote the Book of Mitt at your side. And she won't help for key demographics..."

-"Sarah refused: she's planning a coup for the Convention. Susana Martinez would do a perfect Biden-buster, but she used to be a Democrat."

-"So did Reagan."

-"Yeah, but I'm already OK with Reaganians. The thing is, I have to cope with various breeds of loonies who want me to marry Marco Rubio, or to have some kind of zealot one Huckabeat away from Presidency... I'd feel so more comfortable with a running mate as boring as Paul Ryan."

-"Another 'moderate' on the Gingrich-Limbaugh scale..."

-"I'm not a moderate. I'd think and say whatever you'd like me to think and say to win that race. I've been programmed to win races."

-"Sometimes, you almost sound like a robot."

-"Because I am a robot. I wasn't built in Motor City by accident. And I wanted GM and co to file for bankruptcy in order to get all the patents for a song. Picture that: an armitt of Romneys roaming the World. Without any purpose whatsoever."

-"Except, maybe, to convert everybody to Moronism?"

blogules 2012
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
NEW: join blogules on Facebook!!!