Happy New Year 2024

It's that time of the year*, and as usual, I have no choice but to wish you a happy next year, considering what's going to happen in 2023:

January 2023

Xi Jinping declares the pandemic over as China achieves herd immunity with only 271,564,888 fatalities. Some suspect the actual tally could be twice as high.

February 2023

On the anniversary of the invasion of Ukraine, and following a referendum held at the Russian Embassy in D.C., the United States are officially annexed by Russia. 

March 2023

Hours after Vladimir Putin is assassinated by an aide, Amerika Oblast declares its independence from Russia. All Russian troops withdraw from Ukraine and Georgia.

April 2023

Key collaborators to the 2023 insurrection, Donald Trump, Tucker Carson, and Ted Cruz are arrested just before boarding a plane for Cancun: 'you can't touch me', says the 45th POTUS, 'I'm a Russian diplomat and Vladimir gave me this Russian passport to prove it'. In retaliation, the  Republican House votes to impeach Joe Biden for collusion with Ukraine.

May 2023

Great Britain celebrates the coronation of her new king. William III pays a vibrant tribute to his late father, crushed during the rehearsals of his own big day: "that crown was definitely too heavy for poor Charles III".

June 2023

In Turkey, all opposition candidates are jailed ahead of the general elections. Erdogan claims victory with 125% of the votes: 'I scored a bit lower that the latest polls predicted, but that proves how rock solid our democracy is.'

July 2023 

The US Supreme Court reinstates Scott v. Sandford, making slavery once again legal in the US. Ron DeSantis applauds the decision: 'I'll send even more illegal migrants to Washington - soon I'll need to get some work done on my White House'.

August 2023 

Elon Musk still hasn't found his successor to lead Twitter; he never really looked for one, and both Kanye West and the QAnon Shaman rejected the offer.

September 2023 

Following Pope Francis' trip to Africa, the head of the Church and 80% of his potential successors die of Ebola in the Vatican Cluster.

October 2023 

One year later, Rishi Sunak is still Prime Minister. And still the wealthiest man in the Kingdom, with twenty five billion pounds (around one thousand four hundred US dollars).

November 2023 

Joe Biden declares his candidacy to succeed Pope Francis and wins in a landslide. Pete Buttigieg thanks Kamala Harris for picking him: 'an Asian African American woman President and a gay Hoosier Veep... America is alive and ticking boxes!'

December 2023 

Mayor Lori Lightfoot laments in front of an almost dried up Lake Michigan: "60 degrees on Christmas Day. Over zero, and in Celsius... yet climate change did nothing for that damned wind."

blogules 2022
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011), "Happy New Year 2014" (Dec 2012), "Happy New Year 2015" (Dec 2013), "Happy New Year 2016" (Dec 2014), "Happy New Year 2017" (Dec 2015), "Happy New Year 2018" (Dec 2016), "Happy New Year 2019" (Dec 2017), "Happy New Year 2020" (Jan 2019), "Happy New Year 2021" (Apr 2020), "Happy New Year 2022" (Dec 2020), "Happy New Year 2023" (Dec 2021), "Happy New Year" (Dec 2022)... et en Francais: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012), "Bonne Année 2015" (Dec 2013), "Bonne Année 2016" (Dec 2014), "Bonne année 2017" (Dec 2015), "Bonne Année 2018" (Dec 2016), "Bonne année 2019" (Dec 2017), "Bonne année 2020" (Jan 2019), "Bonne année 2021" (Avr 2020), "Bonne année 2022" (Dec 2020), "Bonne année 2023" (Dec 2021), "Bonne année 2024" (Dec 2022).

Happy New Year 2012

Sorry but just like the previous years*, I cannot wish you a happy new year considering what's going to happen in 2011:

January 2011: volcano Eyjafjallajokull inrupts in Iceland. During this extremely rare phenomenon, billion of tons of CO2 are reabsorbed, causing unusually dry days and cold nights worldwide. In the process, the volcano also sucks about 5,167 planes from the sky.

February 2011 : the Cricket World Cup is sponsored by the Tea Party. Sarah Palin collapses during the seventh day stretch.

March 2011 : Kim Jong-il chokes on a gimchi pretzel. Two days later, his son Kim Jong-un is killed by the chief of intelligence services. The Red Army controls Pyeongyang, millions of North Koreans flock towards the South, thousands die on DMZ land mines. Three weeks later, the South announces that according to various trustable sources, Kim Jong-il might have caught a cold.

April 2011 : Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot around Prince Charles' neck. Camilla Parker Howls.

May 2011 : WikiLeaks exposes Julian Assange's STD lists. The 800 page book instantly becomes a New York Times bestseller.

June 2011 : inflation outpaces growth rates in China and property bubbles burst across Asia. US Dollar rallies by 2% against the Yuan : one RMB is now worth only 34,548,997 USD.

July 2011 : accompanied on the piano by Condi Rice, Vladimir Putin wins Russians Got Talent 2011 by singing a touching "I Dreamed a Stalin Dream".

August 2011 : harrassed by a Harry Potter fan working for the IRS, J.K. Rowling resuscitates the sorcerer for a second round of seven books. Daniel Radcliffe declines, but will replace Johnny Depp for the next two Jack Sparrows after the miserable failure of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" at the box office : "I'm sick and tired of heptalogies - Sparrow movies fly by three, and I even have idle time to work for a Lucas franchise on even years. They said I had enough acting talent to play R2-D2"

September 2011 : the Rugby World Cup is sponsored by the Beer Party. Sarah Palin collapses after her sixty sixth six pack Joe.

October 2011 : in spite of an intense marketing campaign, Jonathan Franzen doesn't get the Nobel Prize for literature, which goes to George W. Bush for his works of fiction.

November 2011 : Greece is bailed out by a pool of betting companies based in Macau. France is refused the same favor. Hedge-a-bet Funds all the rage at the NYSE.

December 2011 : Obama can declare that as scheduled, there is not one US troop left in Iraq because Iraq ceased to exist on December the 5th, Iran claiming the bulk of the land.


blogules 2010

* see "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009)