For the 6th time in a row*, I can only wish you a happy next next year considering what's going to happen in 2013:
January 2013:
Barack Obama's second inauguration is held on the ruins of the US Capitol. The President's first decree prolongs Guantanamo for 9876 years, the term arsonist Grover Norquist will serve there.
February 2013:
Bashar al Assad eventually decides to use Weapons of Mass Destruction against the people of Syria, nominating Glenn Beck as Minister of Interior and Karl Rove as Minister of Information.
March 2013:
PSY's "Gangnam Style" video smashes the 8 billion views mark on YouTube. Floridan Democrats demand a recount.
April 2013:
To replace Supreme Justice Ruth Ginsburg, Joe Biden suggests Sarah Palin, saying that it could help solve the gridlock and find a way out of the Fiscal Abyss. The POTUS toys with the idea before refusing: "you don't kill two hummingbirds with one boulder, and her "gotcha justice" concept spells like bad karma".
May 2013:
Accused of cooking books (and not only the Qran), the Vatican is placed under Chapter 11, Verse 7. In other words: under the Republican Party umbrella ('Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech').
June 2013:
Kate Middleton gives birth to twin boys who, unfortunately, share their father's baldness, their grandfather's ears, and their great-grandmother's color blindness. 40 year later, they will fight to death over who got delivered first.
July 2013:
Croatia officially joins the European Union. And vice versa, since all other members have left. Turkey joins soon after claiming the organization of the 2020 Summer Olympics.
August 2013:
A small step for man, a Great Leap Forward for China. The nation celebrates its first moon landing by inviting America to play a go game there, starting with a big red stone crushing the US flag planted decades earlier.
September 2013:
Hurricane Christie slams the East Coast. The Capital city is moved to the West Virginian Islands.
October 2013:
Rush Limbaugh's impeccable fastbawl sends the Washington Dodgers to the World Series, but the team refuses to play the 99ers until they pledge to the same GOP pennant.
November 2013:
Eight hundred and seventy one bridges collapse across Japan on a sunny, tsunami-free, earthquake-free afternoon. Japan replaces its corrupt extreme-right Prime Minister with another corrupt extreme-right Prime Minister.
December 2013:
Hurricane Hillary lands in the Midwest, causing an early Iowa Caucussion.
blogules 2012
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010), "Happy New Year 2013" (Dec 2011)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), "Bonne Année 2012" (Dec 2010), "Bonne Année 2013" (Dec 2011), "Bonne Année 2014" (Dec 2012).
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
20121205
20111211
Happy New Year 2013
It's that time of the year and as usual*, I simply can't wish you a happy new year considering what's going to happen in 2012:
January 2012: after David Cameron and Nick Clegg fail to reach an agreement on the 2011-2012 bonuses for City bankers, the Poundzone implodes.
February 2012: Queen Elizabeth II mentions the possibility that she might step down before the end of her second 60-year mandate. Charles is, as always, all ears.
March 2012: Dmitri Medvedev announces the suicide of his Prime Minister: Vladimir Putin swallowed two gallons of radioactive vodka and shot himself nine times in the head. Putin nonetheless appears the next day, sporting a ten feet long green beard: "now call me Ras instead of Vlad".
April 2012: South Koreans disagree on how to handle their own security after the dissolution of the Combined Forces Command. The country splits into Southeast Korea and Southwest Korea, with Dokdo as the new neutral capital.
May 2012: Sarkozy declares himself winner of the Presidential Elections with a score of 98%, has the police shoot at protesters, and rebrands himself Nicolas The First just to be called "His Highness".
June 2012: in Vietnam, the Arab Spring rolls.
July 2012: for budgetary reasons, Greece, Spain, and Ireland compete under the same banner at the London Olympics: the Commonpoverty.
August 2012: ahead of the 18th Party Congress, China launches its latest aircraft carrier and the Occupy Singapore Strait movement.
September 2012: for the first time in Burma, a woman becomes Head of State. Hillary nominates Bill as commander in chief with just this piece of advice: "don't bask your tail".
October 2012: the Nobel Prize in Literature goes to Ben Bernanke for his bestseller, the $100 banknote (789,566,122,708,110 copies issued in one month).
November 2012: Herman Cain visits the White House to decide on which floor to install the Second and Third Ladies.
December 2012: on 2012/12/12, at 20:12:12, Pakistanese PM downloads the Doom app on his smartphone.
blogules 2011
* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), Bonne Année 2012 (Dec 2010).
January 2012: after David Cameron and Nick Clegg fail to reach an agreement on the 2011-2012 bonuses for City bankers, the Poundzone implodes.
February 2012: Queen Elizabeth II mentions the possibility that she might step down before the end of her second 60-year mandate. Charles is, as always, all ears.
March 2012: Dmitri Medvedev announces the suicide of his Prime Minister: Vladimir Putin swallowed two gallons of radioactive vodka and shot himself nine times in the head. Putin nonetheless appears the next day, sporting a ten feet long green beard: "now call me Ras instead of Vlad".
April 2012: South Koreans disagree on how to handle their own security after the dissolution of the Combined Forces Command. The country splits into Southeast Korea and Southwest Korea, with Dokdo as the new neutral capital.
May 2012: Sarkozy declares himself winner of the Presidential Elections with a score of 98%, has the police shoot at protesters, and rebrands himself Nicolas The First just to be called "His Highness".
June 2012: in Vietnam, the Arab Spring rolls.
July 2012: for budgetary reasons, Greece, Spain, and Ireland compete under the same banner at the London Olympics: the Commonpoverty.
August 2012: ahead of the 18th Party Congress, China launches its latest aircraft carrier and the Occupy Singapore Strait movement.
September 2012: for the first time in Burma, a woman becomes Head of State. Hillary nominates Bill as commander in chief with just this piece of advice: "don't bask your tail".
October 2012: the Nobel Prize in Literature goes to Ben Bernanke for his bestseller, the $100 banknote (789,566,122,708,110 copies issued in one month).
November 2012: Herman Cain visits the White House to decide on which floor to install the Second and Third Ladies.
December 2012: on 2012/12/12, at 20:12:12, Pakistanese PM downloads the Doom app on his smartphone.
blogules 2011
* see "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009), "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2012" (Dec 2010)... and in French: "Bonne Année 2009" (Jan 2008), "Bonne Année 2010" (Dec 2008), "Bonne Année 2011" (Dec 2009), Bonne Année 2012 (Dec 2010).
20101228
Happy New Year 2012
Sorry but just like the previous years*, I cannot wish you a happy new year considering what's going to happen in 2011:
January 2011: volcano Eyjafjallajokull inrupts in Iceland. During this extremely rare phenomenon, billion of tons of CO2 are reabsorbed, causing unusually dry days and cold nights worldwide. In the process, the volcano also sucks about 5,167 planes from the sky.
February 2011 : the Cricket World Cup is sponsored by the Tea Party. Sarah Palin collapses during the seventh day stretch.
March 2011 : Kim Jong-il chokes on a gimchi pretzel. Two days later, his son Kim Jong-un is killed by the chief of intelligence services. The Red Army controls Pyeongyang, millions of North Koreans flock towards the South, thousands die on DMZ land mines. Three weeks later, the South announces that according to various trustable sources, Kim Jong-il might have caught a cold.
April 2011 : Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot around Prince Charles' neck. Camilla Parker Howls.
May 2011 : WikiLeaks exposes Julian Assange's STD lists. The 800 page book instantly becomes a New York Times bestseller.
June 2011 : inflation outpaces growth rates in China and property bubbles burst across Asia. US Dollar rallies by 2% against the Yuan : one RMB is now worth only 34,548,997 USD.
July 2011 : accompanied on the piano by Condi Rice, Vladimir Putin wins Russians Got Talent 2011 by singing a touching "I Dreamed a Stalin Dream".
August 2011 : harrassed by a Harry Potter fan working for the IRS, J.K. Rowling resuscitates the sorcerer for a second round of seven books. Daniel Radcliffe declines, but will replace Johnny Depp for the next two Jack Sparrows after the miserable failure of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" at the box office : "I'm sick and tired of heptalogies - Sparrow movies fly by three, and I even have idle time to work for a Lucas franchise on even years. They said I had enough acting talent to play R2-D2"
September 2011 : the Rugby World Cup is sponsored by the Beer Party. Sarah Palin collapses after her sixty sixth six pack Joe.
October 2011 : in spite of an intense marketing campaign, Jonathan Franzen doesn't get the Nobel Prize for literature, which goes to George W. Bush for his works of fiction.
November 2011 : Greece is bailed out by a pool of betting companies based in Macau. France is refused the same favor. Hedge-a-bet Funds all the rage at the NYSE.
December 2011 : Obama can declare that as scheduled, there is not one US troop left in Iraq because Iraq ceased to exist on December the 5th, Iran claiming the bulk of the land.
blogules 2010
* see "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009)
January 2011: volcano Eyjafjallajokull inrupts in Iceland. During this extremely rare phenomenon, billion of tons of CO2 are reabsorbed, causing unusually dry days and cold nights worldwide. In the process, the volcano also sucks about 5,167 planes from the sky.
February 2011 : the Cricket World Cup is sponsored by the Tea Party. Sarah Palin collapses during the seventh day stretch.
March 2011 : Kim Jong-il chokes on a gimchi pretzel. Two days later, his son Kim Jong-un is killed by the chief of intelligence services. The Red Army controls Pyeongyang, millions of North Koreans flock towards the South, thousands die on DMZ land mines. Three weeks later, the South announces that according to various trustable sources, Kim Jong-il might have caught a cold.
April 2011 : Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot around Prince Charles' neck. Camilla Parker Howls.
May 2011 : WikiLeaks exposes Julian Assange's STD lists. The 800 page book instantly becomes a New York Times bestseller.
June 2011 : inflation outpaces growth rates in China and property bubbles burst across Asia. US Dollar rallies by 2% against the Yuan : one RMB is now worth only 34,548,997 USD.
July 2011 : accompanied on the piano by Condi Rice, Vladimir Putin wins Russians Got Talent 2011 by singing a touching "I Dreamed a Stalin Dream".
August 2011 : harrassed by a Harry Potter fan working for the IRS, J.K. Rowling resuscitates the sorcerer for a second round of seven books. Daniel Radcliffe declines, but will replace Johnny Depp for the next two Jack Sparrows after the miserable failure of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" at the box office : "I'm sick and tired of heptalogies - Sparrow movies fly by three, and I even have idle time to work for a Lucas franchise on even years. They said I had enough acting talent to play R2-D2"
September 2011 : the Rugby World Cup is sponsored by the Beer Party. Sarah Palin collapses after her sixty sixth six pack Joe.
October 2011 : in spite of an intense marketing campaign, Jonathan Franzen doesn't get the Nobel Prize for literature, which goes to George W. Bush for his works of fiction.
November 2011 : Greece is bailed out by a pool of betting companies based in Macau. France is refused the same favor. Hedge-a-bet Funds all the rage at the NYSE.
December 2011 : Obama can declare that as scheduled, there is not one US troop left in Iraq because Iraq ceased to exist on December the 5th, Iran claiming the bulk of the land.
blogules 2010
* see "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009)
20090101
Happy new year 2010
Sorry, but I want to forget 2009 :
January - Tel Aviv hawks perfectly used the window of opportunity before Obama's inauguration, igniting a 3rd intifada and an attack from Hezbullah. The Likud is disbanded (too far left) and on February the 10th, Yigal Amir's National Nationalist Party wins in a landslide. All Israelis of Palestinian origin lose their citizenship and their rights to the Geneva Convention but as a compensation, receive a one-way ticket to the Gaza Ghetto. Moderate Jews are considering a secession and by April, medias start talking about a civil war.
February - in order to celebrate Darwin's bicentennary, Sarah Palin burns the Library of Congress and a few science museums to the ground : "Them scientists have been lying to us for too long, and this fake Santa deserves to fry. Burn'em all ! And let's check if they taste like monkeys ! If we descend from the apes, how come I'm dumber than a moose ?"
March - Bernanke is arrested for a massive pizza scheme : he traded all the Federal Reserves with anchovies and pepperoni. China saves the US from bankruptcy but the country has a new currency : the Western Yuan. A Big Mac costs about two redbacks.
April - Gordon Brown choses the 60th anniversary of the Republic of Ireland to become the new King of Scotland. And 20 years after Tiananmen, the Politburo proposes a new deal to the Chinese People : "a slower growth but even less freedom". Wu Jintao is ousted within one day, and Wen Jiabao becomes the new Leader of the Cultual Revolution. By the end of his first 5 year plan, he should become the next Dalai Lama.
May - Alberto Gonzales escapes prison and manages to fly to North Korea where he becomes Honorary Chairman of the Waterboard.
June - Europe votes : 75% abstention and 95% NO. NB: it wasn't even for a referendum but to elect members of the Parliament...
July - No fireworks on the 4th. Need more ammos for Afghanistan, Iraq, Georgia and Estonia.
August - A new Putin blitz : invades Vatican the 5th, becomes Pope the 6th, canonizes Stalin the 7th.
September - Black Thursday the 24th. Quotation suspended for the S&P500. As of today, it's still uncertain whether it will become the SubStandard & Poorer 300 or 200. The latter wording has the favor of people who want to be at least once ahead of the market.
October - The corpse of Francis Bacon, 100, paints a vivid portrait of Hank Paulson screaming on the electric chair.
November - George W. Bush collapses at the end of a gigamass in his honor. The autopsy shows he choked on the Eucharistic bread. Human right activists who wanted him to share Dick Cheney's cell find it hard to swallow.
December - The Nobel Peace Prize goes to Robert Mugabe for his role in the reconciliation between the ANC and COPE. He also gets the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his eradication of AIDS and all other human diseases in Zimbabwe (no more Zimbabwean alive to celebrate at home).
January - Tel Aviv hawks perfectly used the window of opportunity before Obama's inauguration, igniting a 3rd intifada and an attack from Hezbullah. The Likud is disbanded (too far left) and on February the 10th, Yigal Amir's National Nationalist Party wins in a landslide. All Israelis of Palestinian origin lose their citizenship and their rights to the Geneva Convention but as a compensation, receive a one-way ticket to the Gaza Ghetto. Moderate Jews are considering a secession and by April, medias start talking about a civil war.
February - in order to celebrate Darwin's bicentennary, Sarah Palin burns the Library of Congress and a few science museums to the ground : "Them scientists have been lying to us for too long, and this fake Santa deserves to fry. Burn'em all ! And let's check if they taste like monkeys ! If we descend from the apes, how come I'm dumber than a moose ?"
March - Bernanke is arrested for a massive pizza scheme : he traded all the Federal Reserves with anchovies and pepperoni. China saves the US from bankruptcy but the country has a new currency : the Western Yuan. A Big Mac costs about two redbacks.
April - Gordon Brown choses the 60th anniversary of the Republic of Ireland to become the new King of Scotland. And 20 years after Tiananmen, the Politburo proposes a new deal to the Chinese People : "a slower growth but even less freedom". Wu Jintao is ousted within one day, and Wen Jiabao becomes the new Leader of the Cultual Revolution. By the end of his first 5 year plan, he should become the next Dalai Lama.
May - Alberto Gonzales escapes prison and manages to fly to North Korea where he becomes Honorary Chairman of the Waterboard.
June - Europe votes : 75% abstention and 95% NO. NB: it wasn't even for a referendum but to elect members of the Parliament...
July - No fireworks on the 4th. Need more ammos for Afghanistan, Iraq, Georgia and Estonia.
August - A new Putin blitz : invades Vatican the 5th, becomes Pope the 6th, canonizes Stalin the 7th.
September - Black Thursday the 24th. Quotation suspended for the S&P500. As of today, it's still uncertain whether it will become the SubStandard & Poorer 300 or 200. The latter wording has the favor of people who want to be at least once ahead of the market.
October - The corpse of Francis Bacon, 100, paints a vivid portrait of Hank Paulson screaming on the electric chair.
November - George W. Bush collapses at the end of a gigamass in his honor. The autopsy shows he choked on the Eucharistic bread. Human right activists who wanted him to share Dick Cheney's cell find it hard to swallow.
December - The Nobel Peace Prize goes to Robert Mugabe for his role in the reconciliation between the ANC and COPE. He also gets the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his eradication of AIDS and all other human diseases in Zimbabwe (no more Zimbabwean alive to celebrate at home).
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