I, RomnBot (Meet Mitt)

Another exclusive interview from our Agence Fausse Presse: former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney.

Blogules: "Thank you for having us today, Governor. Wow. What a great smile."

Mitt Romney: "You know, I'm 65, but I look 55, and soon I'll be 45. The 45th POTUS, that is. I found out the best way of keeping fit was to spend time and money."

-"As long as it's just my time and your money, I can join you for a little while... Did you expect the primaries to last that long?"

-"First, they're far from over: Rick has left the race, but Newt and Ron will keep piling up as many delegates as they can until the Convention, and even as we speak, voters are casting ballots for Herman Cain. Second, from the start, these primaries were meant to last, and the Republican Party optimized the process to make the show as entertaining as Obama-Clinton '08."

-"It sure has been entertaining, but instead of building momentum around the best Presidential candidates, your show is exposing on prime time a bunch of morons struggling for the survival of the most unfit for the job."

-"Precisely. It was meant as a clear religious statement."

-"Uh. I said 'morons', not 'mormons'."

-"I know you said that. I was referring to the "survival of the most unfit" part: we're finally proving Darwin wrong. Actually, our primary process is so smart it should be considered a perfect example of intelligent design."

-"I see you're already shamelessly hustling up creationists... But you do believe in the survival of the fittest, don't you? You, ever the good capitalist..."

-"Yeah, yeah, Romney's the name, money the game. But it's not a matter of fitness. Only a question of timing. Of understanding the music of money."

-"And what kind of music would that be?"

-"I don't give a grand. What matters is the timing, the moment when the music stops, just like when you play musical chairs. The aim of the game is to pass the buck before that moment, to get rid of all the junk, to collect the $200 M, to build a hotel in the Caymans, and never, ever, to go to jail. That's where all the Mormons go."

-"The morons. Morons belong to prisons. You said 'Mormons'."

-"I know I said that. Morons go to jail, but we Mormons do have a thing for the Cayman Islands. Salt Lake City is so far from everywhere anyway, and it's so quick with our private jets. Since we have three Beechcraft‎s, four Cessnas, two UTCs, five Lockheed Martins, and a couple of Boeings, I don't need to pass by home after work to pick up Ann and the kids. Each one brings their own set of Vuitton trunks, and I take care of the dog. Strapped to the roof, as usual."

-"To the roof of the jet as well?!?"

-"Seamus always relieves himself during takeoff. I never even considered bringing him in."

-"May I ask something: have you ever considered trying to be likeable?"

-"Look. I'm trying to be electable, and that's already something difficult for me. Not running risks, maintaining Chinese walls, keeping emotions out of the scope, milking the cow... That's the way I like it."

-"Indeed, you never quite left the BCG... And by the way, you must be toying with matrices and consulting a lot for the future Veep. Any hint regarding your running mate?"

-"The vetting has started, yes."

-"Let me guess... You need someone to compensate your weak points: a Republican identified as such by all sub-currents of your nuthouse, preferably an icon for fundies and Tea Partiers, a woman, with charisma, some sense of humor, an aversion for boredom, and an open bar at Fox News. But I don't see Sarah Palin don a white shirt and a black necktie to promote the Book of Mitt at your side. And she won't help for key demographics..."

-"Sarah refused: she's planning a coup for the Convention. Susana Martinez would do a perfect Biden-buster, but she used to be a Democrat."

-"So did Reagan."

-"Yeah, but I'm already OK with Reaganians. The thing is, I have to cope with various breeds of loonies who want me to marry Marco Rubio, or to have some kind of zealot one Huckabeat away from Presidency... I'd feel so more comfortable with a running mate as boring as Paul Ryan."

-"Another 'moderate' on the Gingrich-Limbaugh scale..."

-"I'm not a moderate. I'd think and say whatever you'd like me to think and say to win that race. I've been programmed to win races."

-"Sometimes, you almost sound like a robot."

-"Because I am a robot. I wasn't built in Motor City by accident. And I wanted GM and co to file for bankruptcy in order to get all the patents for a song. Picture that: an armitt of Romneys roaming the World. Without any purpose whatsoever."

-"Except, maybe, to convert everybody to Moronism?"

blogules 2012
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