20210710

Exclusive fake interview with Obstructionist in Chief Mitch McConnell

It took only a dozen money transfers to his offshore accounts for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell to accept an exclusive fake interview with our Agence Fausse Presse.

blogules: "Senator, thank you for having us."

Mitch McConnell: "You're welcome, interesting to see that Fox News or Sinclair Broadcasting are not the only pseudo medias out there."

b: "How do you want History to remember you? As Donald Trump's  Paul von Hindenburg? As the man who stole the Supreme Court? As D.C.'s most morally corrupt and hypocrite politician?"

MMC: "Nice try, but flattery doesn't work on me: Elaine and I prefer bribery in cash. That said, I guess the last compliment fits best my ultimate ambition."

b: "You have a serious competitor in Donald Trump."

MMC: "He definitely would be if he were a politician. But the former and present President is a salesman. And he sells only one product: himself."

b: "The former and present President?"

MMC: "You know my motto in politics: I want it all, and I want it both ways. We all know that Joe Biden won by a landslide, but that's not what Donald Trump and his base want to hear."

b: "But his Big Lie fueled the bloody January 6th attack of the Capitol."

MMC: "Clearly, Trump is responsible for the insurrection, his inaction during the attack amounts to dereliction of duty, he is the most appalling President in our history, and a constant threat for our democracy, but we need the Big Lie fallacy to justify our voter suppression laws, to steal the 2022 elections, and to put him back in the White House."

b: "So you confirm what everybody who follows the actual news knows, which is: the Republican establishment deliberately follows Trump's dangerous lies just to help the party artificially cling to power, even if that means destroying American democracy."

MMC: "Of course that's the plan. We simply can't win if everybody is allowed to vote, and by 'everybody', yes we do mean black voters. If we managed to score key wins in the past simply by gerrymandering or redistricting, now we have no choice but to go Jim Crow full throttle."

b: "Well, you do have a choice: clean up your party, repudiate conspiracy theories, kick out Qanon, the KKK, and the Nazis, and win around restored Lincoln values..."

MMC: "But we can't go against these guys anymore, just like we can't go against Trump. At the beginning we entertained his conspiracy theories just to spare his ego and to keep him happy, but once we've understoods that Republican voters believe his Big Lie and everything he says, and that we can use this to steal the next elections, we just let the racists run our show - by the way did you see the splendid Nazi runes at the CPAC conference?"

"#CPAC stage shaped like an #OdalRune... That's the symbol US #Neonazis have picked to replace #Nazi #swastika and go mainstream in US politics. The whole #GOP is #RINO: #Republican party officially replaced by #Trump #cult &  #fascism. Sce @dailykos" (20210227 - twitter.com/stephanemot/status/1365560322858254341)
 

b: "That's abominable."

MMC: "I know, but it works. Look at the Supreme Court! If Stephen Breyer is kind enough to pass away after our triumph at the Mid-term elections, we'll go 7-2."

b: "Now Merrick Garland is back to haunt you and to clean up William Barr's mess... You have absolutely no moral compass, no ethics."

MMC: "Thank you. We have a reputation to maintain as a couple: Elaine Chao and Mitch McConnell have the highest standards when it comes to moral corruption."

b: "Don't you have anything positive to motivate you in any way?"

MMC: "Ummm... no. I'm 100% focused on blocking Joe Biden like I was to block Barack Obama."

b: "And you were ready to impeach Bill Clinton for something that was a thousand times less impeachable than what Trump did."

MMC: "The Trumpites think that the Clintons are dangerous, they even believe that Hillary eats babies! I'm proud of the fact that we got Bill and her testify for hours (all for nothing of course), while Kevin McCarthy, Devin Nunes, Ted Cruz, Lauren Boebert, Josh Hawley and Co. can do and say whatever they fancy and get away without any hearing. Guess what: impeachment is not about justice. Everything is political. And with politics, I don't compromise. For instance, if Joe Biden wants to meet us halfway, it's not appropriate for us to help him achieve anything. Anyway we can't achieve anything with those Democrats. They're never ready to compromise."

b: "You've got some gall! John McCain would be so ashamed of you."

MMC: "If he were alive, he'd probably kick my fat bottom, and punch Lindsey Graham in the face. John knew me, so he couldn't have been disappointed. But Lindsey... going at Hunter Biden, selling his soul to Putin, to Russia... if I'm the undisputed king of all hypocrites, Linnie's the mother of all fallen angels."

b: "Is they...? Now the closest thing to a John McCain the GOP has in Congress could well be Adam Kinzinger, but he's not even a Senator..."

MMC: "Adam does have a big moral compass, indeed. Therefore, we'll have to get rid of him, just like we will with Liz Cheney and Mitt Romney."

b: "Wait. They're all Republicans. They are not your enemies."

MMC: "Of course they're not our enemies. But we don't care about the Democrats anymore - we've already fixed the next elections, remember? These rogue lawmakers are much more problematic because they make us look bad. They are conservative Republicans, and they always vote as conservative Republicans should, but that's not what we want now because it means that they can't vote for Trump or Qanon stuff, and we can't afford dissent on the very essence of our new platform. We can afford people like Elise Stefanik, people who, even if they have voted in favor of liberal issues before, are ready to sell their soul and kiss Trump's ring or whatever."

b: "And you're totally ok with your party being represented by a lunatic extremist like Marjorie Taylor Greene or a pedophile clown like Matt Gaetz."

MMC: "The Donald loves them, so we love them. Personally, I feel more comfortable with people who reflect our core values. For example, Ron DeSantis has corruption written all over this face, and you won't find a better nazi pit bull than Jim Jordan. The Donald loves them and I love them too."

b: "So why don't you invite KIM Jong-un to chair the GOP? The Donald loves him too, no? Wait... I know: you already proposed him, but he refused for some reason. Maybe because of the anti-Asian sentiment fueled by your boss and his friends."

MMC: "You're right. And you're wrong. He accepted. As Elaine often says, there's nothing Chinese money can't solve."


blogules 2021
Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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