Trump: 'my plan to steal the elections' (fake interview, real threats)

blogules: 'Thank you President Trump for accepting this exclusive fake interview with our Agence Fausse Presse'.

Donald J. Trump: 'You're welcome. It's good to see Fake News that don't pretend, and openly define themselves as Weapons of Mass Disinformation'.

B: 'You are aware that I'm very critical of you and your administration...'

DJT: 'I can handle that, like I did so beautifully with Bob Woodward. Have you seen how he changed his mind about me, how he's flattering me in his book?'

B: 'How can you lie so blatantly? Even after being caught on tape? Can't you feel any shame?'

DJT: 'Listen. I'm feeling shame all the time, but I trained my brain to translate it instantly into pride. I simply cannot be wrong, I simply cannot fail. I'm basically the most perfect being the World has ever seen. To start with, I have good genes.'

B: 'At least you don't seem to have been genetically modified: your granddad Drumpf ran a brothel in Yukon, you grab women by the p...y, and you're being sued for raping an underage girl.'

DJT: 'My new fixer will take care of that.'

B: 'William Barr is supposed to be the US Attorney General, not a mobster's personal lawyer, justice is supposed to be independent from the executive, democracy relies on checks and balances...'

DJT: 'Come on. The US are not a democracy. Not under my watch. I can't let that happen. I have to win the elections. Do you know how many lifetimes in prison I'd have to serve? First thing I do when I'm reelected is to ensure I can serve at least 6 terms like my friend Alexander Lukashenko. After that, Ivanka and Barron will continue the dynasty. Arabella Rose comes next. That one, what a looker. If she weren't my granddaughter...'.

B: 'You're a monster.'

DJT: 'I like to win no matter what, okay? And I've got all bases covered for the 2020 elections and for the next ones. We corrupted the census to facilitate further gerrymandering, but also to justify why so many ballots will disappear in the weeks to come. That's why I'm asking my base to vote twice: once by email, once in person.'

B: 'But that's totally illegal.'

DJT: 'I'm trying to explain to you that I can't win legally, and that I have to do do like I've always done: the ugly, mobster way. But in parallel, I'm also working on changing the law, justice, people who could prevent that. If I put a thug in charge of USPS, if I stuffed courts with moronic ayatollahs, that's part of my plan to steal the elections.'

B: 'So you confess that you plan to steal the elections'.

DJT: 'You're not paying attention: I've already said that several times. When I say 'get rid of the ballots', it means that we will block and remove all ballots that come from suspicious zip codes, the ones with Democratic demographics, or minorities. And if our countless voter suppression measures fail, I can count on the virus and on my militias.'

B: 'Is that why you are not fighting the virus, and encouraging extreme right supporters to patrol cities with their assault weapons?'

DJT: 'Of course! We want the virus and riots to bloom in Democratic states and cities, we know that the virus kills more among minorities, and that my base is not afraid to go out because they think that's a hoax. Besides, there's no way moderates and minorities will show up on election day if they see Nazis roam the streets. And these thugs showed they know how to shoot, but we're doing our best to steal the elections without having to resort to that kind of voter suppression. If you want my opinion, that brilliant young lad in Kenosha was a bit too quick to do well - only 17 years old, but already perfectly brainwashed with 'Birth of a Nation', 'The Camp of the Saints', and other great white supremacist books. These Trump Youth are the future of our nation, but until the elections at least, they must not communicate too openly about our Great Plan.'

B: 'You are so openly racist, and still you're trying to convince minorities to vote for you, even after all you've done to them...'

DJT: 'Yes. But I must confess that this time it's harder with black communities. In 2016, I told them 'what do you have to lose? try it', and four years later, how many died of covid or police brutality? Now I can't tell Latinos 'what do you have to lose?', because they fear #LatinoLivesMatter will trend in 2024. So I asked Vladimir to beef up the propaganda and disinformation campaigns among Latino communities, like 10 times what we did for Hillary. And it worked, we've already turned the tables in places like Florida and Arizona.'

B: 'Interesting to see QAnon conspiracy theories accuse Biden of precisely what you're accused of: threatening democracy, preparing a coup, being evil, protecting pedophiles.'

DJT: 'QAnon is a beautiful invention from our propagandists. Before, when I said 'many people think', or 'many people say', I couldn't provide any proof when asked for more details, so in order to support our fabricated stories and most outrageous claims, we created someone who doesn't exist, and use him as our mouthpiece. Bonus: I can use code words in public, and my base knows exactly what I'm talking about, but the general public doesn't get the full antisemitic, racist and fascist references. Works like a charm, including in Europe now. People are so gullible.'

B: 'Yeah. Some even believe that drinking bleach can cure coronavirus infections.'

DJT: 'Now THAT is science. I drink bleach all the time. They tell me that's milk, but I know better. I always know best.'

B: 'But conspiracy theories don't seem to move the black communities.'

DJT: 'Not this time. So what I did was ask my friend Kanye to be my running mate*. Even if he has become a total mental wreck and doesn't campaign, even if a fraction of his millions of followers cast a vote for him just by seeing his name on the ballots, that can be enough to flip battleground states.'

B: 'No black life matters for you. Not even your supporter Herman Cain, who died of covid because he attended your infamous Tulsa rally.'

DJT: 'I don't care, do you? I don't care if some of my supporters die because I criticized masks and social distancing measures, or because I told my staff to pack them more even when I knew the virus was lethal and airborne. I need to hold as many rallies as possible with as many people as possible, otherwise I feel insecure. I need to project artificial power, I need people to cheer at me, it's like a drug, and I'm great at it. There is no dictator who has done more in history, with the possible exception of Adolf.'

B: 'But these people believe you when you say that you're like them, that you defend their interests'.

DJT: 'I have special interest groups to defend. And first and foremost, I must defend my own interests. When I say 'Make America Great Again', I always mean 'Make Trump Great Again'. By the way, did you notice that whenever I use the words 'America' or 'Americans', I actually mean me? Because I am America. America is mine.'

B: 'You're a dangerous, delusional autocrat and psychopath.'

DJT: 'It is what it is. I always dreamed of being a mafia boss, and now I can become a lifetime dictator. No one is stopping me, and certainly not Republican lawmakers.'

B: 'They didn't even dare to show up or pretend to propose a platform for your Convention. The only program was Vote Trump.'

DJT: 'That was simply beautiful. Stephen Miller learned a lot from his model, Joseph Goebbels, and what he did in Nuremberg. But we added the Trump touch, the Trump logo. The White House is now The Trump White Supremacy House, the GOP Trump's party, and step by step, America is becoming Trump's Amerika. That's how it works: I corrupt and bankrupt everything I touch. Dad handed me his company? I went bankrupt, like all my ventures. Putin handed me America? I destroyed it. Mitch McConnell handed me the Republican Party? I raped it.'

B: 'Mitch McConnell will go down in History as your Paul von Hindenburg: he knew you were a danger for democracy, but he gave you the keys because he thought he could control you.'

DJT: 'Lindsey Graham is a master hypocrite, but Mitch is the most corrupt of them all. I wouldn't be there without him. And we're on a roll - so lucky! I had to call Vladimir to ask him if it was Novichok for Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but he said no, and this time I genuinely believe him.'

B: 'You mentioned Stephen Miller earlier, and it's interesting to see that's he's the only one who survived your toxic White House sphere.'

DJT: 'Ah, this time you're paying attention! Four years ago, I said I would only take the best...'

B: '... and all of them either quit, were fired, or turned against you.'

DJT: 'These guys don't count. When I say the best, of course I mean the Trump family.'

B: 'So Stephen Miller is part of the family.'

DJT: 'Steve is different. He is what I believe in, deep down. People think I have no values whatsoever, but I do have convictions, particularly regarding race, and genes. But even Miller is only a part of what I believe in. I'm not religious, but I'm The Chosen One. God has picked me, and I know that for sure because I am God. A God like the World has never seen before. And as a God, I give myself a A+. Can't you see the beautiful year of 2020 we're all having? And the best is yet to come!'

blogules 2020

Since 2003, nonsensical posts about noncritical issues in nonenglish (get your blogules transfusion in French)
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* see "Kanye West: a fake #BlackLivesMatter candidate to rescue a real White Supremacist"

see also "Parler vous Trump? Can you spell chaos?", "A Democratic. National. Convention. With Mender In Chief Joe Biden."

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