Sorry but just like the previous years*, I cannot wish you a happy new year considering what's going to happen in 2011:
January 2011: volcano Eyjafjallajokull inrupts in Iceland. During this extremely rare phenomenon, billion of tons of CO2 are reabsorbed, causing unusually dry days and cold nights worldwide. In the process, the volcano also sucks about 5,167 planes from the sky.
February 2011 : the Cricket World Cup is sponsored by the Tea Party. Sarah Palin collapses during the seventh day stretch.
March 2011 : Kim Jong-il chokes on a gimchi pretzel. Two days later, his son Kim Jong-un is killed by the chief of intelligence services. The Red Army controls Pyeongyang, millions of North Koreans flock towards the South, thousands die on DMZ land mines. Three weeks later, the South announces that according to various trustable sources, Kim Jong-il might have caught a cold.
April 2011 : Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot around Prince Charles' neck. Camilla Parker Howls.
May 2011 : WikiLeaks exposes Julian Assange's STD lists. The 800 page book instantly becomes a New York Times bestseller.
June 2011 : inflation outpaces growth rates in China and property bubbles burst across Asia. US Dollar rallies by 2% against the Yuan : one RMB is now worth only 34,548,997 USD.
July 2011 : accompanied on the piano by Condi Rice, Vladimir Putin wins Russians Got Talent 2011 by singing a touching "I Dreamed a Stalin Dream".
August 2011 : harrassed by a Harry Potter fan working for the IRS, J.K. Rowling resuscitates the sorcerer for a second round of seven books. Daniel Radcliffe declines, but will replace Johnny Depp for the next two Jack Sparrows after the miserable failure of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" at the box office : "I'm sick and tired of heptalogies - Sparrow movies fly by three, and I even have idle time to work for a Lucas franchise on even years. They said I had enough acting talent to play R2-D2"
September 2011 : the Rugby World Cup is sponsored by the Beer Party. Sarah Palin collapses after her sixty sixth six pack Joe.
October 2011 : in spite of an intense marketing campaign, Jonathan Franzen doesn't get the Nobel Prize for literature, which goes to George W. Bush for his works of fiction.
November 2011 : Greece is bailed out by a pool of betting companies based in Macau. France is refused the same favor. Hedge-a-bet Funds all the rage at the NYSE.
December 2011 : Obama can declare that as scheduled, there is not one US troop left in Iraq because Iraq ceased to exist on December the 5th, Iran claiming the bulk of the land.
blogules 2010
* see "Happy New Year 2011" (Dec 2009), "Happy New Year 2010" (Jan 2009)
20101228
20101219
WikiLeakified
blogule's Agence Fausse Presse managed to snatch from PeepeeLeaks a few top secret cables where several US envoys deliver their impressions about key world leaders:
- Nicolas Sarkozy : "A paranoid in love with the States, or rather obsessed with the need to be loved by Tom Cruise. Instills terror into his staff : no one dares criticize him, and he's been replacing them one by one by Oompas Loompas who call him "Your Highness", "Your Greatness", or "Dear Ladder". Now Sarkozy only refers to himself in third person."
- Silvio Berlusconi : "Like many statesmen, an eternal teenager obsessed with new conquests... which in spite of compulsive plastic surgery he needs to pay for. Told us to kiss Don Vito hello, and to thank him for his last delivery of Ukrainian blondes."
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad : "A narcissic psychopath lunatic. Likely to be good friends with our President George W. Bush."
- Tony Blair : "Very friendly but on the threshold of annoyingness. Insisted to show us his self-flagellation stigmata. Asked again for that seance with Churchill promised by the POTUS."
- Vladimir Putin : "When he enters the room, temperature drops 20 degrees. Each of his muscles is so tensed he constantly needs to tune them like piano strings... quite an experience: his face doesn't move one bit, but every five to six seconds you can hear a 'pling' or a 'plong'."
- Muammar al Gaddafi : "Couldn't meet him: the elevator got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors of his tent."
- Hu Jintao / Wen Jiabao : "The former has the sense of humor of a prison door. No wonder he wants to get rid of the latter, a brillant man with a constant smile on his face. But last time I had tea at Wen's (as usual a very pleasant afternoon), I found out back home that he'd planted about eight hundred acupuncture needles all over my back."
- Saddam Hussein : "Didn't understand why we got rid of him after all he did for us and we for him. Didn't like our farewell gift, a beautiful Lanvin hemp necktie."
blogules 2010 - initially published on blogules VF as "WikiLeakefie".
- Nicolas Sarkozy : "A paranoid in love with the States, or rather obsessed with the need to be loved by Tom Cruise. Instills terror into his staff : no one dares criticize him, and he's been replacing them one by one by Oompas Loompas who call him "Your Highness", "Your Greatness", or "Dear Ladder". Now Sarkozy only refers to himself in third person."
- Silvio Berlusconi : "Like many statesmen, an eternal teenager obsessed with new conquests... which in spite of compulsive plastic surgery he needs to pay for. Told us to kiss Don Vito hello, and to thank him for his last delivery of Ukrainian blondes."
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad : "A narcissic psychopath lunatic. Likely to be good friends with our President George W. Bush."
- Tony Blair : "Very friendly but on the threshold of annoyingness. Insisted to show us his self-flagellation stigmata. Asked again for that seance with Churchill promised by the POTUS."
- Vladimir Putin : "When he enters the room, temperature drops 20 degrees. Each of his muscles is so tensed he constantly needs to tune them like piano strings... quite an experience: his face doesn't move one bit, but every five to six seconds you can hear a 'pling' or a 'plong'."
- Muammar al Gaddafi : "Couldn't meet him: the elevator got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors of his tent."
- Hu Jintao / Wen Jiabao : "The former has the sense of humor of a prison door. No wonder he wants to get rid of the latter, a brillant man with a constant smile on his face. But last time I had tea at Wen's (as usual a very pleasant afternoon), I found out back home that he'd planted about eight hundred acupuncture needles all over my back."
- Saddam Hussein : "Didn't understand why we got rid of him after all he did for us and we for him. Didn't like our farewell gift, a beautiful Lanvin hemp necktie."
blogules 2010 - initially published on blogules VF as "WikiLeakefie".
20101124
We need to talk about Kim
Hours after the shelling of Yeonpyeong island by North Korea (probably part of Kim Jong-un's training as the next mad leader - KIM the Third obviously wanted to be part of the South's naval exercises), the promotional campaign for "Korea, a good neighbor", was still playing on CNN.
Seoul's official reaction to this new provocation is likely to be one notch down the nice cop scale used after the Cheonan Tragedy (earlier this very strange year, also ridden with skirmishes). Some wrists shall even be slapped. And of course, hectoliters of tears shall flow.
"A good neighbor" ? This side of the DMZ, most certainly.
But to paraphrase Lionel Shriver's book*, "We need to talk about KIM" sooner or later.
blogules 2010 (first published on Seoul Village)
* "We need to talk about Kevin"
Seoul's official reaction to this new provocation is likely to be one notch down the nice cop scale used after the Cheonan Tragedy (earlier this very strange year, also ridden with skirmishes). Some wrists shall even be slapped. And of course, hectoliters of tears shall flow.
"A good neighbor" ? This side of the DMZ, most certainly.
But to paraphrase Lionel Shriver's book*, "We need to talk about KIM" sooner or later.
blogules 2010 (first published on Seoul Village)
* "We need to talk about Kevin"
20101119
Delusion Points - an interview with George W. Bush
From blogule's Agence Fausse Presse, this exclusive interview of former President George Walker Bush covers the most controversial parts of his memoirs ("Derision Points" - 2010 Drown Publishers, 7 pages, $75.6):
Katrina, paint it black:
blogules: "You say Katrina represents an all-time low for you. Can it possibly be lower than your forged war, you near-death pretzel experience, or those shoes thrown at you during the last throes of your insurgency against US democracy ?"
GWB: "Some people said I was a racist and that's simply not true. A dangerous, hardcore, fundamentalist lunatic maybe, but a racist...? that's not fair. Even my dog Barney is black."
Chairman of the Waterboard:
blogules: "You write that allowing waterboarding was the right thing to do since your personal team of torture promoters considered it legal. Have you ever tried it ?"
Dubya: "Of course I did : when I was younger I tried almost everything, remember ? Actually, that's the way I managed to quit drinking. And that's the moment when I learned that Dick Cheney was a guy I could rely on."
blogules: "He waterboarded you himself ?"
W: "Dick loves board games."
DUI with Barbara:
blogules: "In your book, you mention a disturbing episode with your mother, when you drove her to the hospital after her miscarriage".
Georgie: "Oh, that...? That's how I recall it now but as you know, I was not always myself back then. Still now I've got flashes with different versions playing in my head. In one of them, Mom carries a pink baby elephant in a jar, and it looks and smells like gimchi. Maybe a gift from Reverend Moon, a friend of Dad's, who knows ?"
blogules: "But you said it was a trauma for you back then."
W: "Yep. I was quite disapointed by her. When she first mentioned a miscarriage, I understood she won a beauty pageant at the local GM dealership."
No WMD, no regrets:
blogules: "You dared say you were disapointed not to have found any Weapon of Mass Destruction in Iraq, but your invasion was the right decision anyway ?"
Fundamentalist in Chief: "The extreme right decision, to be more accurate. Come on... You're perfectly aware that our case for Iraq was completely forged, and our intel cooked to the bone. We invaded Iraq to give a boost to Muslim and Christian fundamentalism, and we succeeded beyond our wildest dreams."
blogules: "In a nut/bombshell: Mission accomplished ?"
Bush Jr: "Not yet: according to our plan, there must be a final war between Israel and Iran, then Jesus comes back, and ultimately the Texas Rangers win the World Series."
blogules: "I guess I can wait to read the next volume of your memoirs."
blogules 2010
Katrina, paint it black:
blogules: "You say Katrina represents an all-time low for you. Can it possibly be lower than your forged war, you near-death pretzel experience, or those shoes thrown at you during the last throes of your insurgency against US democracy ?"
GWB: "Some people said I was a racist and that's simply not true. A dangerous, hardcore, fundamentalist lunatic maybe, but a racist...? that's not fair. Even my dog Barney is black."
Chairman of the Waterboard:
blogules: "You write that allowing waterboarding was the right thing to do since your personal team of torture promoters considered it legal. Have you ever tried it ?"
Dubya: "Of course I did : when I was younger I tried almost everything, remember ? Actually, that's the way I managed to quit drinking. And that's the moment when I learned that Dick Cheney was a guy I could rely on."
blogules: "He waterboarded you himself ?"
W: "Dick loves board games."
DUI with Barbara:
blogules: "In your book, you mention a disturbing episode with your mother, when you drove her to the hospital after her miscarriage".
Georgie: "Oh, that...? That's how I recall it now but as you know, I was not always myself back then. Still now I've got flashes with different versions playing in my head. In one of them, Mom carries a pink baby elephant in a jar, and it looks and smells like gimchi. Maybe a gift from Reverend Moon, a friend of Dad's, who knows ?"
blogules: "But you said it was a trauma for you back then."
W: "Yep. I was quite disapointed by her. When she first mentioned a miscarriage, I understood she won a beauty pageant at the local GM dealership."
No WMD, no regrets:
blogules: "You dared say you were disapointed not to have found any Weapon of Mass Destruction in Iraq, but your invasion was the right decision anyway ?"
Fundamentalist in Chief: "The extreme right decision, to be more accurate. Come on... You're perfectly aware that our case for Iraq was completely forged, and our intel cooked to the bone. We invaded Iraq to give a boost to Muslim and Christian fundamentalism, and we succeeded beyond our wildest dreams."
blogules: "In a nut/bombshell: Mission accomplished ?"
Bush Jr: "Not yet: according to our plan, there must be a final war between Israel and Iran, then Jesus comes back, and ultimately the Texas Rangers win the World Series."
blogules: "I guess I can wait to read the next volume of your memoirs."
blogules 2010
20101101
SWW 2010 Anthology
Fancy some original fiction or poetry ? Take a bite of the Seoul Writers Workshop's 3rd annual anthology. And don't feel guilty about that sweet literary tooth of yours : proceeds from sales support the Korea Sexual Violence Relief Center.Many stories featured in this anthology have been discussed over the past few months during lively, coffee-guzzling workshops at Hello Beans in Itaewon, where new members are welcomed every second Sunday : this is not an exclusive, tight-lipped club - simply a great opportunity for writers to share and enjoy each other's works. And don't feel deterred if you are not a native speaker : the SWW already embraces all continents*.
Seoul Writers : www.seoulwriters.com/
Also on Facebook
"Every Second Sunday" - 2010 Anthology
Edited by C.R.F. Sanders, Kathryn Whinney, Ang McLaughlin, Elena Sanchez
ISBN: 978-1-45383555-5
Also on sale at What The Book.
blogules 2010
* Full disclosure here : yours truly, a French citizen with (as you well know) a poor command of English language (not to mention his own !), contributed to this edition with a short teaser : "Kim Mudangnim".
20101031
Can America really afford a Republican Second Dip ?
Reunited they stand : Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert rocked a 'Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear' on the National Mall.
America can afford some sanity indeed these days, as the country is about to put back into power a party whose main objective for the next two years is officially to prevent a reelection of Barack Obama. Of course, to achieve such a goal, they need America to fail miserably and embrace a big fat second dip.
Republicans proved they were quite good at that : after all, Obama is essentially being blamed for taking too much time to clean their own mess (great depressions, environmental catastrophes, political divides...).
But the President's biggest mistake seems to have bet on US voters' intelligence : he sacrificed his popularity by passing courageous health and financial reforms, long term gains bound to be destroyed by a Red majority.
blogules 2010
America can afford some sanity indeed these days, as the country is about to put back into power a party whose main objective for the next two years is officially to prevent a reelection of Barack Obama. Of course, to achieve such a goal, they need America to fail miserably and embrace a big fat second dip.
Republicans proved they were quite good at that : after all, Obama is essentially being blamed for taking too much time to clean their own mess (great depressions, environmental catastrophes, political divides...).
But the President's biggest mistake seems to have bet on US voters' intelligence : he sacrificed his popularity by passing courageous health and financial reforms, long term gains bound to be destroyed by a Red majority.
blogules 2010
20100815
Europe's extreme right leaders expose Japanese counterparts
My first reaction when I saw Jean-Marie Le Pen and fellow fascists visit the controversial Yasukuni Shrine on every international media was to hope this would wake up the Japanese people : these guy are the shame and the scum of Europe, and they've been invited by your own fascist leaders. Would you still support a Japanese minister who visits this infamous shrine ?
Naoto Kan, the new P.M., officially stated that he would never do it*, and Japanese extreme-right leaders made the mistake of exposing their own stupidity through this miserable PR event. They proved they existed and had friends at the global level, but they also revealed their true nature to the Japanese public : not "nationalists", but die-hard fascist revisionists who are betraying their own people.
The question is : will the Japanese people keep allowing those thugs to decide who can be Prime Minister and what should be written in history textbooks ?
blogules 2010 - see also in VF ("L'extreme-droite Japonaise invite Le Pen... et les projecteurs")
* Well. Hatoyama started well too, but eventually gave in to the extremist minority that has been plaguing Japanese politics since WWII : "Hatoyama's Christmas gift to Japanese extreme right"
Naoto Kan, the new P.M., officially stated that he would never do it*, and Japanese extreme-right leaders made the mistake of exposing their own stupidity through this miserable PR event. They proved they existed and had friends at the global level, but they also revealed their true nature to the Japanese public : not "nationalists", but die-hard fascist revisionists who are betraying their own people.
The question is : will the Japanese people keep allowing those thugs to decide who can be Prime Minister and what should be written in history textbooks ?
blogules 2010 - see also in VF ("L'extreme-droite Japonaise invite Le Pen... et les projecteurs")
* Well. Hatoyama started well too, but eventually gave in to the extremist minority that has been plaguing Japanese politics since WWII : "Hatoyama's Christmas gift to Japanese extreme right"
20100806
Mid-Term Elections : Sarah Palin to run in West Dakota
My dear fellow Amerikans,
Howdy lads and gals ?
As you know, my second book, "Amerika by Heart: reflections on family, faith, and flags", will be published after the mid-term elections, around November 23. Depending on the result, it will either be about my role in the victory, or a "toldya so" condemnation of the GOP's doomed campaign of 2010.
After working on two books in one, my head is swimming with words, but thank God I kept my eyes on the ball... which, by the way, was much easier to find than Obama's cojones (wink - wink) !
As you also know*, I will run in 2012. I got all the credentials as a top FOX News barker. And if the Reps dare not nominate me, I'll merge the Tea Party and my fundamentalist base into a "Libertarian, Gonads, Bible, Tea Party". Will that "LGBT Party" be the pride of our glorious nation ? You betcha !
For 2010, I needed to legitimitize my involvation in the electoric process. I badly hadda run for a seat, and not only because I had a mean chili con carne for lunch. I long hesitated between West Dakota and North Virginia, and settled for the former, 'cause it has a border with Saskatchewanistan : this winter, with Todd, we're gonna Skidoo hunt Bin Laden and his fellow thugs, smoke'im out, gut'im out, hang'im high, you nam'it.
But before that, during this whole year, I'll keep reminding US voters why they need to vote Republican this November : to fight against Obama's unfair policies that granted medical care to whiners and deprived Wall Street execs from well deserved impunities, to drill deeper into the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska (and while we're at it drill even deeper into our prisoners in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo - wink - wink), to restore Amerikan values (starting with waterboarding) and the positive image of Amerika overseas, plus, of course, to go back to our sound economy of 2008.
Yours Truly,
Sarah Louise Palin
blogules 2010
* "GOP - From Morale Building to Moral Damage Control Mode"
Howdy lads and gals ?
As you know, my second book, "Amerika by Heart: reflections on family, faith, and flags", will be published after the mid-term elections, around November 23. Depending on the result, it will either be about my role in the victory, or a "toldya so" condemnation of the GOP's doomed campaign of 2010.
After working on two books in one, my head is swimming with words, but thank God I kept my eyes on the ball... which, by the way, was much easier to find than Obama's cojones (wink - wink) !
As you also know*, I will run in 2012. I got all the credentials as a top FOX News barker. And if the Reps dare not nominate me, I'll merge the Tea Party and my fundamentalist base into a "Libertarian, Gonads, Bible, Tea Party". Will that "LGBT Party" be the pride of our glorious nation ? You betcha !
For 2010, I needed to legitimitize my involvation in the electoric process. I badly hadda run for a seat, and not only because I had a mean chili con carne for lunch. I long hesitated between West Dakota and North Virginia, and settled for the former, 'cause it has a border with Saskatchewanistan : this winter, with Todd, we're gonna Skidoo hunt Bin Laden and his fellow thugs, smoke'im out, gut'im out, hang'im high, you nam'it.
But before that, during this whole year, I'll keep reminding US voters why they need to vote Republican this November : to fight against Obama's unfair policies that granted medical care to whiners and deprived Wall Street execs from well deserved impunities, to drill deeper into the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska (and while we're at it drill even deeper into our prisoners in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo - wink - wink), to restore Amerikan values (starting with waterboarding) and the positive image of Amerika overseas, plus, of course, to go back to our sound economy of 2008.
Yours Truly,
Sarah Louise Palin
blogules 2010
* "GOP - From Morale Building to Moral Damage Control Mode"
20100713
Paul the Octopus
Again, that World Cup post-partum blues.
That sense of emptiness, the brain progressively training itself to intercept signals involving other things than soccer balls, the effort even tougher this time because of those damned vuvuzelas (time difference ? I kind of got used to it after my tenth World Cup).
The embarrassing realization that I've been outsmarted by a squid in my predictions.
The embarrassing realization that 2010, a great year for African soccer, started with shootings at Togolese players in Angola, and continues with the murder of fans in Uganda. A Christmas tree at the DRC Soccer Federation ? Thanks, but no thanks.
The embarrassing realization that, while players tried to understand the tricky aerodynamics of Jabulani, our small planet kept moving in its very predictable way :
- The First Scrabble Wars ended with a draw between Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan.
- Again, Barack Obama welcomed Benjamin Netanyahu who, again the previous day, promised that this time, he would be a nice guy.
- As videos of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest rocked the web, Haiti's Daily Eating Challenge only got a few clicks.
- US citizens let Tony the Octopus spill as much ink as he could in the Gulf of Mexico. As if Tony Hayward had a clue about what was at stake if BP picked this well instead of that one.
blogules 2010
That sense of emptiness, the brain progressively training itself to intercept signals involving other things than soccer balls, the effort even tougher this time because of those damned vuvuzelas (time difference ? I kind of got used to it after my tenth World Cup).
The embarrassing realization that I've been outsmarted by a squid in my predictions.
The embarrassing realization that 2010, a great year for African soccer, started with shootings at Togolese players in Angola, and continues with the murder of fans in Uganda. A Christmas tree at the DRC Soccer Federation ? Thanks, but no thanks.
The embarrassing realization that, while players tried to understand the tricky aerodynamics of Jabulani, our small planet kept moving in its very predictable way :
- The First Scrabble Wars ended with a draw between Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan.
- Again, Barack Obama welcomed Benjamin Netanyahu who, again the previous day, promised that this time, he would be a nice guy.
- As videos of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest rocked the web, Haiti's Daily Eating Challenge only got a few clicks.
- US citizens let Tony the Octopus spill as much ink as he could in the Gulf of Mexico. As if Tony Hayward had a clue about what was at stake if BP picked this well instead of that one.
blogules 2010
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